no. 209 what is it about friendship

somtimes everyone needs a time out
not just the littles, but everyone, including us bigs...

this week i found myself up to my eyeballs in a situation where i put myself
in time out
hands up in the air,
i walked away.

and though i've tried not to, i've been thinking about it
walking away
and
my feelings regarding
the beginning,
the middle,
and the end
of all this mess...

how did it get to this?
are we not adults?
when did the past become the present?
and the present become a future in time out?

sadly there aren't too many answers when you're in the middle of a one sided conversation
and since i created the time out, i guess it's here to stay for a bit, my choice.

i can't be any more of the person that i am.
i wake up
start each day with promise and hope
work
work hard
love
with all my might
and when the day is done
i'm happy.
happy as can be.
my life is good.
my life is full.

i can't make someone happy who hasn't been happy.
and i can't change the past.

it is what it is
it is what it is

time out.

hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben
essie

no.208 baaad essie

so, sometimes, these kiddos just tick me off
and i morph into
baaaad essie
a screaming banshee momma
who everyone should just smile at
as they run for their lives
seriously
is it too much to ask for
one night of peace?

ergh
hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben
NOT christina applegate...sigh

no. 207 "The time has come..."

boy, has it been a LONG time coming!!

there aren't many words left to say regarding the 43rd presidency of the united states.
sometimes, helicopters can't fly fast enough...

with that, i welcome to washington the man, the family, the team-
my new president and vice president,
with thanks,
with prayer,
and
with a heartfelt belief that we have indeed witnessed the dawning of a new era.

my prayers are with our friend;
grandpa is watching over you...

hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben
okay-so i'm not as cute as christina applegate-it's been a looong day! but there ya go...essie with short short hair!
xoxox

no.206 and there's no turning back now!

after watching a marathon of Samantha Who-my new favorite show b/c I simply love Christina Applegate-
AND
taking a hard look at the hair o'essie with my good friend Jules
"JUST make the call."
"GO"
"and be ready for at least 4 inches to be cut off"

i went.
and it's a whole lotta more than 4 inches gone from the head o'essie
i can say that i don't feel like i'm stuck in the '80's any more!

but i love it, and i love the woman who did it, and b/c i'm a baaaaad essie
i'll post a snap tomorrow!

umarmen und lieben

no.205 ps pet haven devotees

ya'll are wonderful...emails and comments are pouring in...

blessed
blessed
blessed!

every girlie should have so many in her corner!

UBER umarmen und lieben!
essie

no. 204 phv pet haven

okay, calling all my imaginary and very real friends...the doodle bug needs your help with a homework assignment.

she's made a blog to help get the survey out there...please follow the link to

PHV PET HAVEN

to read her post and see the 5 questions she'd like to report back on.
thanks ever so much for helping our girl!
umarmen und lieben
essie

no. 203: the one where i realize i am numbering my posts

happy day 3 of 2009!

yesterday team leader and i took doodlebug downtown to the hauptsrasse for some healthy skincare items and to spend a boatload of euro on essential snowboarding equipment!
a helmet and goggles for pres-you can literally go "snow blind" over here and those were the last pieces he needed to be legit-
a backpack for the basics...holding the infamous "team leader fannypack" with snacks, with a tricky little Lycra piece that can hold your helmet to the front of the pack AND a rain cover for the entire thing b/c the Germans are so efficient! (it's really a biking or hiking pack, but for skiing...it's perfect...highly recommend folks!)

and finally, what i considered the critical purchase:
a spine shield for my broke-back hubby who was determined to enjoy his day out with boy1!

(i insisted on the spine shield.
he's not 100% healed up, and as i've shared before, he's a hard one to keep down...
score 1 for the wifey!)

when we were out, i realized that i hadn't made any resolutions, so as a lover of lists...here goes.
the resolution for 2009:

* learn to take care of the momma.
this is important because the wii balance board of video game g-dness opened my eyes to something not so good.

for those on the fence, the wii fit does a user profile for each person in your house when you begin the program
it weighs you, does a bmi test, does a center of balance test and scans your body after some little tests, when it's all done, wii tells you your "wii fit age."
i'm sharing mine because it shocked me...after years of classical ballet training, swimming, running, eating healthy foods, no smoking, mild drinking, and what i thought was a healthy lifestyle...

i am 57 wii years old

yup. 17 years older than i really am.
which of course could be all relative if you think it's just a little machine-which it is-i know.
but seriously...

am i that creaky?
am i that sore?
am i that sad?!

some days i do feel it, and i have an innate sense of where my body is on the Richter scale of life thanks in great part to an UNHEALTHY body image and UNHEALTHY lifestyle many moons ago.
(in short, i was bonkers about the number on the scale, and took it out on me...because THAT was a good idea. i know so much better now.)

so getting back to the actual resolution...many people i know hated 2008.
i can't say that i did, but i can say that something about 2009 feels particularly happy.
can't really explain it, but it does: this new year already feels good.

so i'm beginning this new year wanting to
slow my life down a tad,
really make sure i'm teaching the lessons that need to be taught,
listen to more music,
read more books,
relearn the language i spent years and years learning in the FIRST place

so i'm beginning this new year wanting to
appreciate the parts of me that might be a little squishy,
but become more flexible,
appreciate the parts of me that are a little more grey,
but quintessentially "E"
appreciate being able to talk to my children calmly,
but always with care
appreciate the man who wakes up to my mug-almost every day-
but almost never (he's pretty perfect, but i have to be real here) takes our life together for granted.

so i'm beginning this new year wanting to take care of the momma,
so that the momma can stick around for a long long time,
loving her life
loving her family
loving her friends
loving the all the possibility to be found in a brand new year.

i don't think that's too much of a resolution...
umarmen und lieben
essie

no. 202: the one that is really for one

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

now...treehouse:

leather...worn while making cookies?!
WHO is this woman?!!

seriously-so so
SO
not related to the hubby
who made the
BEST
DECISION
of
HIS
LIFE
when he married
y.o.u.

stinky
smelly
dirty
mean!

okay.
i feel better now!
umarmen und lieben
spider monkey

no. 201:Auld Lang Syne

when i hear the song, it always makes me cry, soppy sentamentality i assume.
but it does
and, those who know me, understand why.

2008 was an amazing year.
it was a year of giving, receiving, losing, finding
many many "ings"

we've already celebrated here in germany, and team leader's first comment,
"this year will be good-i can feel it!"
we are far away, but the love we feel for everyone of you is only as far away as a beating heart
chock full of soppy sentamentality.

"i'll drink a cup of kindness yet
for auld lang syne..."

with all my love, and happy wishes for a GOOD new year
welcome 2009

umarmen und lieben
essie

no. 200! Or the one where Momma catches up from a whirlwind month o' love!

i'm back folks!
the past few weeks have been slammed with family fun, celebration, love, peace, joy, and now...some quiet before we ring in 2009!

starting with Mr. Ben
who turned 9 this month...
i was roused out of my comfy bed that morning to the sound of his sweet voice in my ear:
"momma, can you believe it? your baby is NINE today!"
naturally, i cried.
who ever thinks that, in the moment of cradling an infant and kissing his soft forehead, that the child in your arms would ever be big?

i didn't.

but big has snuck up on memost of his friends were stateside for the holidays, save one-Alex, so we went with "Preston's Crew" to one of our favorite places "JumpInn."

JumpInn is a warehouse that is full of trampolines, inflatable climbing things and the whatnot that wears kids out, AND sells alcohol to parents who have to sit there for 4 hours and watch.
nice!
Mr. Ben had more gifts to enjoy than even a TEN year old could open...it was a wonderful birthday that merged into the first night of Hannukah

lighting the candles, using Ben's menorah this year, was a special treat...we had our dear friends Dan and Julescome from Belgium for the week.
they got to celebrate many nights of Hannukah in addition to the Christmas Eve revelry that rolled into 5 days of nothing but fun, friendship, and (extended) family.

always game for "mandatory fun ala Casa H" is our other friend Johnsuch a good sport-putting up with the management of 5 highly opinionated folks...he truly "goes with the flow!"
he was with us for the holidays too-waay back in early december, when TL was tdy, he ventured out to not 1, but 2 Wheinnacht Markts-my favorite places this time of year-where he was convinced i would be arrested for my "grow as we go" collection of ghluwein mugs!
(i wasn't-you pay a deposit, and if you keep the mug or get too drunk to return it, you forfit the deposit-so there!)

but wheinnachts markts will be another post-
and this post...
a slight pause in programming my friends-oreo has to go out!

umarmen und lieben
essie

i'll be back-promise!!

call it as you see it

WWE
tricky...most folks associate WWE with total "redneckery"
(yes, i just made that word up, go with me here.)
i know that i did.
when we moved here, tv was, tv was,
limited-at best!

what we could count on, programming wise,
was wrestling...
lots and lots of wrestling..

not exactly my version of "must see tv"
and i can't say that i was overjoyed when
Mr. Ben decided that John Cena was as close to immortal as a man could possibly be.
who in the heck was this guy?
why did someone named the Undertaker have more control over my son than i did?!
seriously!

in the past 16 months, i've learned to accept the growing WWE cult fascination that has eclipsed the family, i still think most of it is rubbish but i cannot contain my intense dislike for Randy Orton, JBL, and someone else who just looks like a big fatso throwing men around in a speedo.

focusing back to topic:
last night Team Leader came into the bedroom and said
"honey-check out this site
and this NOW."
i did.

you need to also.

last night WWE and Ultimate Fighting had an event in Fayetteville North Carolina-Ft. Bragg-at the Crown Colleseum, down the road from our house. The event was televised on pay per view for one reason...to help raise money for the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund.

very famous wrestlers (in the WWE world) and fighters (in the Ulitmate Fight world)spoke personally about the desperate need to address the startling absence of medicinal, theraputic, and psychological support with respect to soldiers (and their survivors) returning from war with traumatic brain injury "TBI"

i was amazed.
TBI is something our family has endured for 12 years now-since my father's tragic heart surgery-it is a horrifying daily test of extreme emotional upheaval.
the brain is a mysterious organ-full of hope and disaster-love and loss.
believe me when i say...
i know this all too well.

what i am most surprised by-and i know i shouldn't be- is this;
these men and women aren't willing to wait for the government to provide lackluster care for our troops.
these men and women aren't willing to lose another person-not one more.
these men and women are becoming part of the solution-rather than band-aid the problem.
because THEY see the problem
and
they won't say no.

WWE has been voted the most supportive troop entertainment by the USO for years.
it's no wonder.
putting their money where their mouths are, these folks spend as much time downrange as they do onstage, it's a 50-50 split.
when they disembark, morale is screamingly high, soldiers FEEL that they aren't alone.
holidays-no matter
anniversaries-no matter
birthdays-no matter
if the troops need it, WWE makes it happen.

So.
This year.
if you find yourself unsure of HOW to REALLY support our troops and not just drive around in an SUV or fancy sedan with a yellow ribbon magnet by your gas tank declaring your support...
do this.
make a donation
donate to making a soldier's life worth living again

Intrepid Fallen Heroes
Fight for the Troops

umarmen und lieben
essie

good thing

changing the mood, ever so...

there i was.
standing in the commissary, at self check
little tired,
looking a little rough,
but remembering Nicola's email,
and smiling at the kid who was helping me load my canvas bags onto the turnstile instead of using plastic-
holding up all the other shoppers behind me, I'm certain.

when I heard my name-
like a shriek, that i didn't expect (i was at the commissary after all)
i jumped and saw my friend Michelle running at me.
Michelle who always wears a smile-
Michelle who was beaming and yelling my name-
in the commissary!

back ground/sidebar
Michelle is the president of our Spouses Club.
she's the friend who roped me into being the Membership Chair (and I will ALWAYS say, all I thought the job entailed was writing thank-you notes...)

today was our BOG meeting, and a really big welfare request was on the table.
big people, really big.
it was the kind of need that most people hear about and think
"well...better luck next time"
it was for children in the community where I work...
a base-post which is technically a tiny piece of American soil...
where many "have-nots" reside.
in the past all they have heard is
"no."

i have been praying for change in this community-
and today
there was Michelle to tell me
that
this amazing group of people said
"yes."
because they could and they wanted to-
they said yes.
and, "yes" was unanimous-

such a wonderfully good good thing!
a mitzvah, in this season of thanks, blessing, and goodwill
these children get all that and more!
opportunity
hope
education
the world is a bigger place tonight
big and good.
yay!!

umarmen und lieben
essie

thinking about thinking

is it more important to have the gifts wrapped and mailed, cards addressed and on the way?

or

is it more important to sit down and make a gingerbread house with one of your children-
is it more important to stop and hug your high schooler-staring straight into his eyes when you say "i love you"-
is it more important to reach out and hold a little hand as you navigate through a bustling village square-
is it more important to take a minute to answer a deliberately asked question, with honesty and reverence-

what is more important?
the hustle that we've all bought into,
or
the moments that make us real-
the moments that make us human-
the moments that make us approachable-

i know what i think...what about you?
umarmen und lieben
essie

goooood morning

just woke up-haven't even had coffee-knew I had to blog b/c I woke up to Britney Spears' new song "Womanizer" racing through my head.

seriously

WHAT is that about?

so today's post is about other people waking up-
without coffee-
without britney songs dancing through their heads-
waking up, back at home in germany, rather than Iraq or Afghanistan.
yesterday a company returned to mannheim from a 15 month of tour of duty.
i had a few kinder out of school, because daddy was back.

daddy was back!

driving off post yesterday the entrance gates were COVERED with welcome signs.
some were funny, with funny family photos, funny greeings-funny.
some were serious, with serious photos, serious words-serious.
some made absolutely no sense at all...to anyone, that is, except the recipient.
a few were heartbreakingly full of love, loss, angst over time that was gone.

one struck me-hard.
all it said was "-----, in a few minutes, you'll be back in my arms"
when i saw it i started to cry.

it's very hard to explain this life to my civilian friends.
they do a wonderful job of laughing away the "essie-crazy" of my life, and listening to me complain about one thing or another...most of them can read my morning face and tell if team leader and i are "in a fight!"
but this life-my life-they've all said, at one time or another, that they don't get it and wouldn't want it.
which i understand.
as i have said many times
it isn't for everyone.

imagine your a husband or wife leaving for a 15 month business trip that could kill him or her...it's unfathomable, really it is...just friggen nuts.
you don't get to see them for at least 7 months, and when you do, it's for 2 weeks.
phone calls, emails, they're nice and all, but it's not the same as having someone you love
in
your
arms.
not the same.

this isn't a "whoa feel sorry for us" post
i know that i married a soldier, "not the mailman" as I often joke
but for today, on my blog, because i can
not a sermon, just a thought...

for your significant other, today,
wrap them in your arms and TELL them that you love them
saying with meaning and intensity
look them in the eye and whisper
"i love you"

because for every daddy that came home, somewhere there is a family that didn't get a reunion-
daddy, uncle, son, brother will not be coming home.

**side note: i just read in our morning news that 15 soliders died from this company.
please say a small prayer for their survivors, as this weekend will be particularly difficult for them, the deceased brothers-in-arms, and their commanders.**

my dear friend leah emailed the horrifying news 2 months ago that a 5th grade teacher at my school in NC had been informed that her husband had been killed overseas.
the word now, is that no one really talks about it at school...what can you say?
there isn't much.

so do it.
say i love you and mean it, no matter what kind of day you end up having
you won't regret how it started
be thankful for the daily rituals that may drive you crazy
be thankful for the person who
doesn't
have
to
go
be thankful and say so.

now.
it's time for coffee.
umarmen und lieben
essie

with love, and thanks, to my friend Nicola

today the following was in my email at school from a wonderful woman who is my friend, here, in germany.

i say that, because, when we got here, and team leader was immediately thrown into work leaving me and the kids utterly ALONE,
i quickly realized that i probably wouldn't be making too many "new friends" while we lived here...no crying, i had to be the grown-up for the sake of our kids.
i quickly realized that i had, all the friends i needed, everything already in place in my life before i stepped one foot into this new life.
i quickly realized a whole lotta stuff when we moved.

while nothing changes how much i miss ya'll back in the states,
after i met her, a few fabulous kindergarten folkies who get my "utter essie-ness", and a sped teacher with whom i basically share a birthday-
i quickly realized i was wrong.
there was-is room in my heart for a few more friends...

enjoy
umarmen und lieben
essie

ps (heh, always WATKINS)
i loved the whole thing, but, 22, 16, 12, 9, 3-wowzers.

************************************************************************************
A GREAT RECIPE...


1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk,
smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God
about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following
statement, 'My purpose is to_______________ today. I am thankful
for__________________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less
food that is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild
Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires,
issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot
control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner
like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every
argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what
their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five
years, will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your
friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following
statements: I am thankful for_________________. Today I
accomplished_________________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many
blessings...You'll be smiling before you know it.

I love Oberstaufen

too too TOO much to say about 4 wonderful days in a favorite place!
but I need to say this, the photos below, starting with "us" begin on Saturday, and end on Thursday "looking out our bedroom window"-a little backwards, but at least I got pictures!
enjoy!

us

more family two

more family

family two

family one

our thanksgiving table, at the Mediterrano, Oberstaufen Germany

thanksgiving with child three

thanksgiving with child two

thanksgiving with child one

night...from our bedroom

bad hair...but...us

part two of the view

part one of the view

proof

the Patton pose

and he's done

taking off

getting ready

the Preston

our sledding hill RIGHT outside our room

Broken ankle Doodle...SLEDDING

close up

Ben Ten snowboarding...and...crashing

the Doodle

us

Thanksgiving smiles from Mr. Ben

an almost family photo...Preston was in the gym, we went into town

looking out our bedroom window

umarmen und lieben
Happy Thanksgiving
essie

still tootin'

Doodle Bug comes home today, with the paperwork for this:

"Junior Leadership Seminar (JLS) is a DoDDS-E sponsored 6-day event for 7th and 8th grade students. The vision of JLS is to prepare and develop positive leaders to become effective decision makers and visionaries in a global society. This activity identifies and develops leadership skills in students that allow them to return to their schools and implement a service project at the school. The goal is to prepare our future leaders of tomorrow.

Each year over 100 students throughout Europe, who exhibit leadership skills, are selected by their schools to attend the Junior Leadership Seminar."

She was nominated by an 8th grade teacher!!
She's in 7th grade!!!
And...naturally...
SHE
DOESN'T
WANT
TO
DO
IT
yup...she says she doesn't want to go away for a week...
to a resort in Germany-
where she is empowered to make the world
our world
HER world
a better place.

oh my stars this child will be the life and death of me!
so so SO proud of her, I am-
completely stymied, by her reluctance
completely awed, by her goodness
completely humbled, by, her

did I mention that I love my daughter?
she is everything that I was too afraid to be
the possibilities for her are open and endless

umarmen und lieben Dolls
Momma

quickly

the snow came down down down last night...
I needed it.

Work for Team Leader has taken a turn that has just pissed me off.
I can say that because this is my blog.
BUT
that's all I can say.
We'll get over it, because we are US.
Me and Him.
Always US.

and it snowed...
a sign from above perhaps,
when I needed one?
my sign?
can't hardly be a coincidence-I get it Dulce.
I'll get over it, because I love Team Leader, and I KNOW I don't have to love his office. (Lucky Me!!)

Oreo LOVED the snow and on his walk this morning I took pictures, which I'll post later on-he WAS too funny!

Last night I found this blogger, through an expat blooger I've gotten to know, and like her I had to share her words.
You must read this post about love.
It is the raw, true story of how love changes life and transcends death.

Love.
I love my husband-fiercely-so much so-so very much, so
I love snow, love love love it when it snows
I love.

is that a bat signal?

a bat signal of say 30+ something?!!

birthday wishes are going out to
ROBIN!

with hugs and love,
from deutschland,

batman

yay for you Doodle Bug!!

super-de-duper week continued...

yesterday I was admin for my 3 administrators who were all at a district wide conference. I love our office staff-could not ask for a better, nicer, all around wonderful group of folks to "steer our ship" through each school day.

my littles were wonderful for the sub, which always makes for a better day, although I'm now more than 100% convinced that there is a whole lotta crazy in some of my parents.
seriously.
some of these parents need to decide WHICH battles to pick and WHY.
It's a long long road to high school, and, picking fights with the office and teachers in FIRST GRADE...you've got to be kidding!

today, Biggers went to school, hoping to repair the 61% he had in one class with the (now) completed work in hand that his History teacher had assigned, um, wait for it,

2
weeks
ago.

I'll post photos of him when he isn't in the doghouse.
Rest assured, he IS alive, barely!

Doodle Bug was in a MUCH better place, as today was all about the doodle...
now I know this might be too much, but her father and I never got accolades like this for academics in school -sports, yes- and we did think we were pretty well rounded.
For us (essie and Team Leader)
For the time (late 70's and early 80's)
But Doodle...
Doodle is
100% balanced
school, sports, friends,
100%.
She gets it, always has, and after today, we know she always will:
*Principal's Award for 4.0 GPA
*Creative Thinking Award from the GT teacher
*Student of the Quarter from the 7th grade team (teachers)
*Captain of the Volleyball Team

THAT is how to start the school year!

Benzilla was there, who has just gotten into the math book he has worked SO very hard to finally begin, and his comment for the morning:
"Dollie has really worked hard, hasn't she Momma?"
totally making his being there even more special...

So, now that I've basically compared our sons to our daughter, understand that I do
really do
LOVE THEM ALL but this is my blog afterall, and,
today was all about shining Dollie's halo!
HOWEVER, before I sign off for today, one photo of the smallest Harrison, after a day at the groomer, notice please his blue and white striped SCARF!!!

enjoy!

umarmen und lieben all!

With Ms. El Sayed the prinicpal

Our Girl!

Ruthie (our extra!) in yellow, laughing and hiding from me
Dominique (on the other side of the cafeteria...I know, I need to take a picture taking class!)
Julia

julie, lori and e, this is for you:
4.0 GPA, athlete, tall (whoa tall, taller than TL in fact), sweet, nice, kind, and all we could want for in the first boy...I still can't wrap myself around THAT part of parenting, but I trust her and I have to say, that I like him.