complaint department

done.
angry
pissed
exhausted
tired of working day in day out, everywhere i turn,
to hear
"you might tell the wrong information"
or
"I DEMAND blah blah blah"
or
"you are a psycho" (as if i wasn't feeling crappy enough???)

never a "thank you"
or a
"what do you need?"
or anything else that might help me take the edge off

nothing.

every time i turn around
someone else telling me how pissed THEY are
and that i need to "fix it"
OR
fix myself.

i swear
some days are
SO
bad
that they just string themselves into the biggest flipping bundle of
tangled christmas lights
that all is left is
throwing away the lights
or
throwing in the towel.

being me is a ridiculously thankless and tedious chore...

Missing Fairfax County teen Bryan Glenn found dead - DC Breaking Local News Weather Sports FOX 5 WTTG

Missing Fairfax County teen Bryan Glenn found dead - DC Breaking Local News Weather Sports FOX 5 WTTG

no one will understand why i'm posting this
here
but for the record
for the moments our children and our family
shared with bryan
for the record
by posting the end of his beautiful life
we will always have opportunity to bear
witness

and never forget

our children are , as i've thought before, on loan...
G-d gives us the most precious gift
life
and in the midst of inexplicable horror and grief
i have to believe that G-d in taking bryan back
brought him home
one final time

you were and will be remembered as a beautiful, loving, funny, charming, delightful, smart, and wonderful child bryan-
here with us now and forever in our hearts

re-reading some of my posts...
i'm pretty convinced that this year has been
manic.

oh my geez.

nineteen

i already told him that the last time i didn't spend my entire day thinking about the greatness of my boy was in 1992...
october 5, 1993
my entire world changed
undoubtedly for the better
and every year i'll tell him
how he made me
into
me
and every year i'll tell him
how he made the world a better place
by being
him
every year
for
ever.

happy birthday biggers
you are my joy
(even when i find out that you
sneaky you
have another
tattoo!)
busted on your birthday!

i love you always-
to infinity and beyond
all around the island of sodor
always!
momma

ridiculously fed up

would it be considered bad parenting to wave a white flag and say
"Screw it."
you've won...
you think you know
everything
there is to know in the world
and
that the people you choose
really are
the best choice for you and
your future?

would it be considered bad parenting to wave a white flag and say
"Screw it."
you've won...
you are ready to take on the world
and you don't need
a
momma in your corner
anymore
you're grown
go for it
live your life and
i'll see you when i see you.

what in the world is going on right now?!!
i'm exhausted
furious
sad
completely let down
and wondering if it was all a big facade
as i've been so pointedly informed by you two
our family wasn't a family after all.

what the heck.

achy breaky heart

and now that is stuck in your head too!

just remember that you had fair warning before you started reading...
the boy
biggers
a month gone by
and suddenly he is on the west coast
really
the point where his
vision quest
started and now stops

when did this all happen
where was i when he was growing
up?

and the girl, wee...
sixteen came on like a raging bull
a speeding bullet train
faster than a hummingbird's wing
16

littlest
well littlest hasn't done anything except grow 6 total inches
this summer
that and sleep
his good humor bridging all the moments that aren't so lovely
when you are heaped into massive
change

*sigh*
exhausting this parenting thing is
and
terribly achy breaky
i'm almost so spent from missing days in the life
that i don't have the energy to cry

and what i need is
a really
great
cry

umarmen und lieben
essie

they call it pomp and circumstance for a reason

done.

beaming from ear to ear
Biggers took
the 30 steps
with
the 30 words
across a stage in a city 6000 miles away from the woods
right into his future!

i can't say that i have a single recollection of the words he chose to walk with
as he started moving my heart and my head focused on every step
footprints into my mind that i will
never forget
and with all the ceremony
the room was silent as i watched
and cried
and held my breath
and squeezed Team Leader's hand as
hard as he was squeezing mine

30 steps...easy
30 words...breezy
30 seconds...done

the world IS wide
and you have it in the palm of your hand
son
heart of mine
i hope you know how proud of you i am
and what a huge accomplishment this is-
like i said this week:
go now and make every new moment matter
just as much
as the ones you will carry in you heart
forever.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
i love you
momma

one step at a time

in 4 hours the transition begins

baccalaureate-downtown-in the oldest church of this beautiful city
the beginning of
pomp and circumstance

and my heart-all his friends here-they take the next few days to
make every day from the beginning to now
matter.

Congratulations Biggers
Hugs to you and the Class of 2012!!!

unarmen und lieben
Momma

20 memorial days

twenty with team leader...
20 times to thank G-d for his mercy
and my husband's life
20 times to thank G-d for his grace
and my husband's friends
20 times to thank G-d for his intervention
and my husband's trips back home
to me
to us
20 times a day, not just one day a year,
but
every day of our life
to thank G-d
for him.

tonight, as i have every year,
i thank G-d
and every soldier who says
yes
when someone else can't

umarmen und lieben
essie

countdown begins

and we're here.
staring at the blank face of the end of high school (that's me)
staring at the blank canvas of the beginning of life school (that's him)

deer in the headlights...perhaps.

this past week the european soccer championships were hardcore underway
SO many unbelievable lessons learned
heartache
disappointment
and unremarkable joy as we watched our children display true athleticism and humanity, sportsmanship and
humility

too many photos to post
but some of the favorites...right here on my blogger and
always in my heart

umarmen und lieben

essie

taking a selfish moment

in the quiet house
to let my heart break just a little
today
so that maybe
just maybe in a few weeks time...
when i watch him
walk across the stage and
into
the next wonderful chapter of the life
that
made me
HIS
mother...
i won't make an utter
spectacle of myself.

i'm planning his graduation party
and i still can't figure out
where
all these days of our lives
have gone.


heart of my heart, aching a little bit today, trying to avoid the
snap.

PAH
"love you forever-
like you for always-
as long as i'm living
my baby, you'll be"
xoxoxoxoxox
momma

HHS Senior Junior Prom 2012

like a sparkle of sun peeking through a cloud

like the lingering moments of a rainbow

suddenly the year is frighteningly close to being

over.

these kiddos have made my heart sing, 

as their 

REAL 

momma

and for some as

the momma of their heart

it was a beautiful night.

knowing that SOMEHOW 

i have to pick myself up 

and

dust myself off come next month

THIS photo takes front and center on my desk as 

the gentle reminder that our life here has been 

very  very blessed!

umarmen und lieben

(more photos to follow)

essie

hugs love and thanks!

"little miss" has been
happily
living at home in the country
for 5 days now!

happy happy days for our family
xoxoxoxox to all
essie

prayers to bring her home

in a blink
life changes...Evie made it 15 minutes from the house before an Apnea hit.
the next 20+ minutes were a blurry design of
parental fear
lights
ambulances passing on a country road to transfer
a now 7 pound miracle from one to the other

doctors and nurses in our community hospital
trying and trying to find a PIT line point

less air
and then her brave daddy started to sing
our family lullaby
Byne Bye,,,,Byne Bye,,,, stars shining

and she calmed down

45 minutes of lullaby
before she took a helicopter ride back
with a nurse who knows her like her
parents do

back.

in His infinite wisdom, G-d got her outside
for the first time today
and then
back to the hospital
i am grateful for the tender mercy
He showed our family and my beautiful
little niece tonight

and
if it's not too much to ask
make the next 10 days
easy ones for her
and the parents who are desperate to
have her home

please.

william shakespeare...gotta hand it to you!

"...and though she be but little, she is fierce."

welcome home, with all our love, sweet darling niece
Evie Bee aka "Lucky Bee"

YAYAYAYAYAYYAYYYYYYY!!!!

april showers bring may flowers...right?

everyone reading knows that birthdays are among my favorite things
birthdays for OTHER people that is-
my birthday
usually hits smack dab in the middle of some natural disaster OR standardized testing week.

not the best name, Esther, for a close to Easter baby...
that was 3rd grade and the year the all the boys in my class
(a few girls too)
renamed me "Easter Egg Esther"

lovely

this birthday hasn't begun any differently...waaay too much drama
when all i really wanted was
one day
reading magazines in the sun
giving kids money to spend on overpriced food
maybe
just maybe
a little sunburnt by the time to go home.

instead
I'm a slave to my computer...
rewriting a decade old handbook

"good times" she yells from the stands
i can always hope for next year, right?

6 more and then the dogs are the winners

last year, the hunt for the money egg lasted over 5 hours.
OBurtonH was wrecked searching our tiny apartment with Biggers, Wee, and BenBen
no egg here
no egg there
until finally
Biggers found the egg
well after OBurtonH went home

it was a very funny morning

this year we weren't let down
although Biggers, understanding that a message HAD to be part of the Easter Bunny's plan,
took his searching prowess to a higher level.

(see he IS college material!!)

motivated
he kept looking until
22 minutes into Easter Morning
the money egg was his.

 "BS" says BenBen...and...with that the announcement
"I can't wait till next year when you aren't here!"
even Biggers had to laugh

Wee...she sat and watched, as the hunt for Gold hasn't been her lucky point
and
seeing her brothers
competing
(climbing over furniture, washing dishes to check the dishwasher, feeding the dogs to check the dog food...you can picture this now, can't you?!!)
is more than enough money egg for her

next year...Biggers will be in the states
teaching his cousin
Lucky Bee
how to find the dough...

boy am I hoping that my brother and his wife have their $$ saved!

Good Pesach and Happy Easter to everyone we love-
the sun is rising on a beautiful day!
umarmen und lieben,
essie

what is it?

April Fools Day naturally!

so.
outdoor soccer season is in full force
so are tree allergies
and
bad attitudes

what is it about thinking that something is YOURS if you haven't
EARNED
it?

puzzles me...
competition aside, when I was in high school
(a zillion years ago, i realize)
we-student athletes-knew what the requirements were for participating
you had to make a 2.5 GPA
period
we didn't get
"a day off to make sure we had grades" prior to playing that weekend
we had the grades
simple concept...
what are we doing for our kiddos
by
doing everything for them?
i wonder...what is it?

essie

the weight of a heart

there isn't a way to measure the weight of another person's heart
particularly when you know
just how close
their heart is to breaking

so we stop

we hold the hands of the people
we love
and
we carry their hearts
to help lighten their
load

life is hard sometimes
and bearing that unexpected and unforeseen
weight
isn't easy-isn't fun-isn't what we thought we'd ever have to
do
but
because we
love
we carry the heart

gabby...
*e*...
we can't bring Alex back
but we can always remember when she was able to
be.
and then we come together and carry one another
our hearts
in-out-never alone
together.

i love you both more than words can say-
you are amazingly good people
something that carries my heart-everyday.

xoxoxoxooxoxo
essie

bumble bee buzzing all around

my little bumblebee

three months old on monday

a miracle

this little light 

she has been the saving grace for us all

a miracle

november 27

one pound eight ounces

february 27 

four pounds eight ounces

OUR miracle

umarmen und lieben

aunt essie

love, family, valentines, and all things bloggish

it's my parents 46th anniversary tomorrow!
FORTY SIX YEARS
amazing...
years 31 to 46 have been
without question
heavy on the drama side but
they've made it and
our family has made it
we're all still here!

in fact, we're here with all kinds of new love
to show for the past 15 years

let's take a quick look back

the weeness arrived in 1999
a border crossing move in 2006
followed shortly thereafter by...
an international move in 2007
Lor arrived in 2009
there was a wedding in 2010
a retirement in 2011 capped by
the arrival of baby bumblebee in 2011
biggers will graduate in 2012
he will move this summer...
wee turns 16 years old
we will move this summer...
the weeness will cap our year out when he turns 13
bring on 2013

all this and more in 15 years...
and my daddy, still here
and my mommy, still here
although there were many who doubted it-
last year
forty six years ago
folks held their breath

but here we are-
loving, laughing, finding sunshine behind the clouds
looking FORWARD

the day before Valentines Day
my parents pledged their love to one another
eternal valentines setting the bar
really really high
for the rest

every life that is shared so intimately has downs that hit alongside with the ups
they aren't perfect
but
they do have an amazing legacy to enjoy and move forward with
that they do.

happy anniversary to two of my lifetime favorite valentines
and
to the rest of my family,
valentine love comes flying long distance to each of
you!

SWAK
umarmen und lieben
essie

and where exactly has january gone?

could someone please tell me-
i thought i knew
i guess i don't...all these days are just rolling into time
racing past my heart and head

waaaay too fast

biggers returned from Model UN yesterday
MORNING
and turns right around to fly back to the states
TOMORROW
for college visits

seriously...i'm in desperate need of "do-over" years
not do-over moments, but actual
years.

pity party over now!
this week was something.
if you get a chance, google
Barbara Coloroso
she's uh-maze-zing.

my school signed the first "anti-bullying" policy between agency and the army after the pilot program in another garrison was completed

Barbara Coloroso had a LOT to do with this, Barbara and the momma friend of mine who has done fabulous things for the agency in her job.

it's a lofty goal to eliminate bullying from a school, but, to eliminate bullying from a
community
it takes commitment, courage, and cahones!
it really does take a village...

google Barbara and you'll see where we are headed-
21st century learning never looked so inspired.

umarmen und lieben
essie

here we are

back again after a rapid fire work week
wow.
was i ever busy...

today it is cold and icky in germany

bleech.

yesterday: a very long and incredibly productive meeting and doodle bug got a fabbo haircut/dye
today: Model UN trip madness before prestie leaves for the Hague and Harry's 50th birthday
tomorrow: laundry, raking, mopping, cooking and driving

dontcha wish my life was yours?!!

here we are...domesticity and mid life living...at it's finest.

umarmen und lieben
essie

home again home again jiggety jig!

long drive home in the very strange snow...snow-ish...wind...wind-ish.

home with a box full of love AND cookies
from florida
clothes-ies from colorado
and random items
from amazon

today on the menu at casa h
the taking down of a beautiful and very short lived
christmas tree

our only tree in morlenbach
the only time we will know the holidays in
this house

down
down
down.

so far, what took hours to find,
put up,
light,
and decorate
has taken a remarkable
93 minutes
to dismantle.

i have a table covered in
ornaments
and three pieces of
christmas tree
waiting on the couch to go into the
10 month box
before they are
ALL
pulled out again for the holidays in
wherever we are about to land...
next

there is something very exciting about
the unknown
the insane anticipation that brought us here
to the Odenwald
has tempered ever so slightly
because in great part
i know
100%
that we can do this...live in another country
miss who and what we love
skype or facetime
translate between no less than three languages on a daily basis
pay bills online...almost with regularity :o)
check the mail
buy groceries us or euro style
walk our dogs

we can live here and we can do it without
"holy hot mess batman" freak outs that were a little too regular this past fall
sometimes we're more spontaneous than other times
sometimes there's more available euro than other times
sometimes what's important ends up being not so much
and in all these times we've learned
we can roll with it
we can deal with it
or
we can simply let it go.

not in anyway
the end of the world
jiggety jig!

umarmen und lieben
essie

doing

i can't say
"done and done"
YET
but today
the first of many many teacher boxes went
into the lounge with a happy sign that said
"FREE to a NEW home"

and, not looking back, taking no prisoners...

it felt really good!

books, lesson plans, activities, learning centers
all of it
sitting in the lounge waiting for new homes
a fresh start
for years of happy teaching
that until this afternoon
had been languishing in the basement

next week: five more boxes
and me, one week closer to a finish line that is really
my beginning

umarmen und lieben
essie

the fine line

hmmm...
what IS the fine line?
WHERE is the fine line?
how have i been missing it for so very long?!

we are safely INto 2012
next week i will have been commuting from
home
to
hohenfels
for twelve complete weeks.

which i can hardly believe
because as i explained to doodlebug
i keep myself as busy at work as i possibly can
to stop from missing
home
so very much

12 weeks have passed and
we're still dealing with boxes from
august
boxes actually from
august 2007
when we first arrived in germany

and so
with the fine line closing in on ME
and in my honest attempt to be
a true role model
this weekend i do the unthinkable...

teacher boxes
full
of the greatest, longest, hardest, most earnest
days of my life
are coming back to hohenfels with me
up
for
grabs.

it's time for me to start accepting the fine line is maybe more
of a finish line

and i have to start somewhere
or we will have august boxes from 2012
in the basement in 2017
and that folks is really where i
must
draw the line.

umarmen und lieben
essie

trying trying!

internet is hard to come by when i'm not at casa h...
my teeny tiny little boarding house room-not exactly the plaza when it comes to modern amenities.

it IS a safe, warm place though, when it's time to sleep after a long day at school.
i'm grateful.

that role model wish for 2012
i'm trying
really i am

sitting here in the java
watching all the high schoolers come and go-
next year will be good for the 2 harrisons who move here
with
lots of room for the harrison getting ready to
spread his wings
and our extra harrison-for the boys to come back to-
next year will be good.

for now though, we're trying
to finish the quarter
to learn new routines
to prepare for indoor soccer
to study for AP exams
to move forward

it's all we can do
role model with a smile

umarmen und lieben
essie

auld lang syne really means...

this year on NYE we actually had all 5 in the car for enough time to share our resolve and get into what we thought 2012 would help us accomplish...
 (not in any order they follow)
 good grades
acceptance into the college of my heart
learn german-not just liquid courage german-really speaking
improve my vocabulary
be a better role model

pretty lofty for casa h!

however everyone had something to say and given that for the past few years there have been
lists
suggestions
attitudes
heartbreak
disaster
joy
unexpected surprise
the absence of silence when we went around the car, i took as, a good sign

 it's funny to me how the change from one year to the next can provide
comfort and expectation
all at once
newness must do that-
re-charge our inner battery just enough for hope to float to the surface
come January 1st.

 shaking bad habits
dusting yourself off when you're down
coming back for more-day in...day out
commitment = the work of life

without hope stashed somewhere in the mix all you have is pressure

 like i said before...no more balls in the air this year no more pressure
2012: you're heeeere, and in my head and in my heart, hope floats
time to get started on that role model stuff.

 umarmen und lieben
essie

let the new year begin

2011 was without question the year of greatest upset and upheaval that i can remember

it's been a very long time coming-waiting for 2012
waiting for the ball to drop
waiting

in 2011 our family spent too much time with balls up in the air-
that kind of pressure, no one needs to live with

in 2012 our family has already many great things to look forward to
moments that will become memories
moments where laughing is the norm
moments where tears come from joy

2012 we're ready, no more waiting.
umarmen und lieben
essie