Saturday, August 30, 2014

speaking to me and i don;t want to forget


I never asked for it to end, but then again, I never asked for it to begin.  For that is the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance.  But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets.  ~Richard Chernov

which completely sums up every day we've lived overseas
and no.
we aren't leaving any time soon
i just want to put this in a place where it won't be forgotten

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

when you turned 18

our life was on fast forward
everything was about
going, going, going

and then i was back on the farm
and you were here with daddy and doggies

your 18th birthday

the young adult you are
the child you were
eighteen years behind you
lifetime ahead of you

our beautiful girl.

you mean everything to me
always have, always will
this year stung without gaia to share

in her way
and yours
she was with you

i love you more than words

Monday, August 25, 2014


we passed the year mark in may
and then before we knew it...

he was at basic
she was graduating
he was gone on a plane

it happened in a blink-last spring-i think
i have VERY little memory of the daily living part
lots to do
lots to prepare for
lots to clean up
and lots
of packing and mailing

a whirlwind summer in the states
the first without having been called for-
an emergency
a sickness
a death
-the first in four long years where my little family and i could

busy bees
worker bees
honey bees
(i finally "got' my name courtesy of my darling niece: HONEY)
we moved her to the states
we left her in the most precious hands and arms we have
our families
he's heading to a place for a tour that has me nervous
aware that he is protected, and he has been trained
and our littlest...
yesterday was his
the first day of high school
he owned it
he loved it
he is ready

umarmen und lieben

Saturday, April 05, 2014

phoning home

long calls with my brothers
have taken the place of the long-pages long letters
mom would write me

this has been a year of expected and heartbreaking
swallowing tears of hurt, loss, anger
not wanting for a single second
to let it out
for the fear of release means hours of pain
that i just don't want to

so i swallow the tears

growing up we were so different
we weren't taught to appreciate how we were different
we were told that we had to love each other
to be nice because words would hurt
and last

mom didn't do much to help us mend fences
build bridges in our relationships
in fact, she was worried that with her gone
any semblance of a sibling relationship would go with her
frankly, it really was so bad, that i think our aunt and uncle thought the same thing too!

and what we have instead
in reviewing the 11 months and not quite 20 some odd days since she died
is the relationship we never thought possible
and it's not in the letter writing
it is in the phone calls

where we laugh and cry-tears that flow
and aren't denied

our hearts open and broken
we see that all along
brother and sister
it was there-
not so different after all

i love you
i love you both


Friday, March 21, 2014

Sunday, March 16, 2014

what it is worth

don't quite know..

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

too fast

i can't believe it's been eight years since colin called and told me to call

it's been too fast.
and you're right, with your boy turning 20
and mine
turning 21
it was far too soon to lose
and impossible to ever believe that our children would one day
be older than her


the words i have
i have said every year
i carry your heart
because so far away
it is the strongest, most powerful and immediate way
to show you that
i will always be your dear friend
and i will always be
for you
for gab
for alex

and for our children.

i will always
carry your heart.