Homecoming

20 years ago on October 5th
we shared a homecoming

every year i remember the look on your face
when you moved
your hands up
scrunched up
your face in wonder
and then you found me

and we were
home

this year i spent your birthday
chaperoning homecoming at work
a totally different
homecoming

and in the middle of it all
a moment where i got to say
"i love you"
"happy birthday"
and
then a little later a shared memory of
cupcakes at practice

and you
my first born
you were on my mind from the moment i woke up
until the minute my head hit the pillow
and at 1820
i said a little prayer for us
for safe homecomings
and happy birthdays

i love you
always and forever
around the island of sodor
to infinity and beyond

momma

one year

it has been
366 days since you dropped your brother off at school

it has been
373 days since we heard little's soft footsteps coming down the hall into our room
something is wrong with wee
then calling biggers to confirm our greatest fear

it has been
hard
listening to our children grieve
a lost friend
a lost reunion
a lost companion
a lost love

all this time
lost
but not
gone
never gone

you will remain 17 in our mind's eye
and alive in our hearts

we remember you bryan
with love

a dozen

12 years ago the united states changed
we lost our innocence
we lost our security
we lost loved ones
and strangers

the horizon of our country changed on september 11 2001

every year i remember
the younger brother of my friend jonah
the senior border who shared her room with me and showed me what my future as a Garrison Girl could look like
and all those people
in new york
in washington
in pennsylvania

and i remember my smartie "Q"
who will celebrate his birthday today
today is blows out
a dozen
candles

umarmen und lieben

getting closer to the end of the list

What is your favorite part of your body and why?

first i have to ask...what is up with this question!
random.

so on the list of strange things to know about your mom:
i like my ankles and my wrists
i have no idea why...
they are tiny
perhaps a little on the dainty side
but between the 4 of them
them have held me up
kept me going
supported me through sunshine and rain

so there you have it
ankles and wrists

umarmen und lieben
momma

got nuthin

sometimes
i am stuck between shaking my head laughing
and wanting to scream my flippen head
off.

you really are THAT frustrating

popular isn't always popular

 What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?

you could say 
sex.
the world has the notion of sex wrong

you could say 
love.
the world has the notion of love wrong

you could say
marriage.
the world really does have the notion of marriage wrong-love is love, sex is sex, and
marriage should be for everyone

but on a much more personal level
body image = perfection...
that IS wrong.

30 years ago
i got the idea in my head that a perfect me
was
a pin thin me

that notion
and sense that
being thin meant
my curly hair was beautiful
my long legs were beautiful
my awkward around boys because i didn't have long blond hair that feathered back or 
boobs when the other girls had them...
being thin meant everyone would notice me
and maybe for a minute 
i would feel like i "fit in"

i was 24 and newly pregnant
when i realized how much i was hurting 
me
myself
my body
with years of
starving and puking.
harsh and ugly
not beautiful 
not strong
just 
sad

the funny thing about eating disorders is that they don't go away
they stick around like an invisible layer of dirt...which really sucks...

nothing is perfect kids,
we are all flawed
some of us gently flawed-others or us-more significantly flawed
finding a way to let the real you show
and stop allowing whatever it is that we watch on tv
or hear in a song or see in a magazine
change
us
that is real power
that is real community
that is real 
SELF image

i love you
i love you
i love you

momma

back to 30.

If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

i have no idea.
really-
i don't know who i would eat with
in part because i take the invitation to break bread
VERY seriously

meals are personal
they are moments within a family, a partnership, single life
where time and thought have gone into the decision to 
nourish
others-the one you love-you

maybe i'm taking it too seriously
but dinner is the time that our family has used to
come together
even if we are screaming through each bite
its 
us
in our seats
looking to where 
mcgregor sits

maybe i would ask 

grandpa (arthur) and grammie (dorothy) 
grammie scotland and grandpa scotland
aunt jean and uncle sam
aunt anna
uncle jim
grandpa don and baldy...

to eat with us
they were important people-historically important people-for many important and irrelevant 
reasons
and eating with them would be something else!
that i can guarantee

my important people are part of history's past...while i'm sure that there are others who might be interesting enough
in conversation and companionship
nothing can change what it means to know the generations of your family

bringing me full circle...meals are about family.
do something amazing with your life and be the historically relevant person who sits at your OWN table...i know you can

loving you forever,
momma

tricky.

What’s your favorite and least favorite thing about parenthood?

my favorite thing about parenthood.
contributing something g.o.o.d. to the world...
the three of you are perfect in my eyes
even when you aren't
and long after i'm gone
maybe just maybe
the three of you will have made
similar contributions to the world

my least favorite thing about parenthood.
i worry
i never stop worrying
i feel like i'm 100 years old
and i look it too
because 
i worry about you three kids
so much
that just sucks.

i love you
always
momma

interrupting these 30 things for just a brief sec or two

i sleep when i know that all my littles are safe and sound
i sleep best when i know that all my littles are under the same roof
last night was
bittersweet
and a night not meant for sleep...

biggers is gone today
back to the states
where his choice
his future
his destiny
wait

and this time we've had with him
is very probably the last that we will know as
ours

no one dictating a schedule
the amount of time we share
the season of our family visit

big big big changes are happening for my family
my babies are growing up
wee-her college visits are 7 weeks away-and then it's mailed applications and we wait
cherry on top-he's happy to go along with the ride-for now

in my head i hear the voice of my friend
"show them it's alright to go...remember the others will be watching"
and i know that while i might not get my hands on all 3 of them
exactly
in the moment that i want
they are and will always be mine...his...ours
and that makes the bittersweet, sweet somehow

every hello
every goodbye
this is the beginning of his future
i couldn't be any more proud of him if i tried

love you forever
love you for always
my littles
my heart

momma

are you KIDDING?!!

What’s your favorite holiday and why?

goooooood grief.
where to start, where to start, where to start!

first off...i personally believe that birthdays are holidays
AND
if i ever get to rule to world
on your birthday you get a free day of leave from work
that is my forever proclamation!

okay in all seriousness
i think my favorite holiday is
St. Patrick's Day

this is 100% because of Savannah Georgia
where my grown-up story began
AND
due to the largest celebration in the South for
St. Patrick
SCHOOL IS CANCELLED

really.
no school on St Paddy's day and i love it!

i also love my leprechaun
"Coughlin McSmiley"
he is my leprechaun
he has followed me around the united states and into europe
he is naughty
he is funny
he has a wicked sense of humor
(including knocking me out in 1997 and leaving me on the floor of my kindergarten classroom
only in induce utter panic in my kinders and prompting me to send a letter home to parents
explaining that i really was a-okay)
he is generous
he is s.m.a.r.t.
he is poetic...in a tiny green person kind of way

and

he always makes me anxious and ready for a fabulous spring

i love all our holidays and the "not-holidays" that we created when daddy was away from us
but most of all
i love you

momma

Where is my magic 8 ball when i need it?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

In college, i had a professor who had our class write a letter 5 years into the future. we were told to write to ourselves with the goals, wishes, hopes, and dreams that we expected to meet/find/enjoy...
in typical rose colored glasses fashion, i wrote my letter and gave it to my teacher, imagine my surprise when
five years later
a letter arrived at the farm, written by me, addressed to me

5 years from now i will be 50 years old
biggers...you will have finished your original commitment to the Navy and might still be in...or back in school 
wee...you will have either just graduated from college with a year of work under your belt...or you will be working to finish up a combined degree with a bachelors and a masters degree
cherry on top...you will have just graduated high school...on your way to 4 more years with soccer every day or playing for a huge city team in germany

in 5 years i will be 50 years old
i expect to be happy with my work choices
happy with your achievements
happy with daddy

10 years from now i will be 55 years old
i hope to be doing what is right for kids every day and still loving it
happy with your achievements
happy with daddy

15 years from now i will be 60 years old
i hope to have mentored others into educationally exciting places
i hope to have supported your goals, wishes, hopes and dreams
i hope to be as great a grandma and mother-in-law as Gaia was to you three and to daddy
happy with your achievements
happy with daddy

and VERY close to retirement!
:o)
momma

dreading dreading dreading

in the movie "julie/julia" (one of my alltime fav's b/c of my baking obsession) there is a scene where julie is preparing for the annual lunch with old friends
her only comment
"dreading dreading dreading"
which is sort of how i feel about this post

describe your relationship with your parents

it wasn't nor will it continue to be easy

i remember the early early days of the original three
i don't remember how hard it was for gaia
to be a working mom
to be independent
and feel dependent
i was little and waaay back then i felt very safe

a growing family is never the fault of each child as they come into the family
but for some reason i was so aware of things never being the same
that i took out my confusion on
your uncle

i've always felt that i should have had an older brother
being the oldest isn't everything it is cracked up to be
but it was the short stick i drew in my life lottery
that
and being the only girl since auntie tante was born

the recipe for the perfect storm

grandpadad has taught me everything i know
about cleaning a house
about caring for special things
about treating people the way i wanted to be treated
about loving someone with your whole heart no matter how it hurts

gaia taught me other things
about becoming a teacher
about being fiercely independent in a world where strong women aren't always taken seriously
about being a fighter
about surviving

but there were things i learned that hurt me
hurt relationships within our family
confused me
and confused relationships within our family
i'm still trying to sort it all out
and i don't want to be disrespectful in any way-i know this will take more than a blog post to explain

it is so important to me that you all understand and respect that you are individuals
and no one way
of living a life is the perfect way to be

life is messy, and hard, and fun, and exciting
you will upset me and inspire me
as you live YOUR OWN life
i don't need to live vicariously through anything you do-i just want you to be happy with yourself
and
the decisions and paths that you take

so my relationship with my parents has given me two different opportunities to become my own decision maker and the master of my own destiny
i know that some choices i made hurt them, and made them feel like they were being punished, which was never my intention...

when you are young, you do think you know everything, and that you are invincible
trust me...you aren't...so be deliberate
and one day when you are telling your children what your relationship with me was all about
tell them it was deliberate
that i wanted every possible thing that being your mommy would bring to my life-good and bad
because being your mommy has meant everything to me and will always be my greatest joy

i love you

i think anything you remember is significant

Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood

my childhood was something else...
i was raised in alaska
and many weekend were spent driving into the bush
so grandpadad could do his work

gaia and grandpadad were a lot like gypsies in a funny way...they went where they were called to go
and we went with them

so 3 significiant memories start here:

1. hiding from gaia in the plant nursery right before Angus was born
i remember running down the lanes of plants
i remember wearing my favorite red sneakers with a red hat that had big white polka dots
i remember thinking i was VERY tricky and that maybe i was in trouble for hiding
but i didn't care
and i remember when grandpadad found me 
he made me laugh and took my picture
gaia was not amused!

that was an "original three" memory and it was a really really good day

2. i remember playing mountain goat with angus on the back of our couch in my 2nd favorite house  of all time (drake drive) and knocking angus out cold
it probably wasn't a good game idea to pretend we were mountain goats and charge each other
no one ducked
we hit full force and angus ended up out cold and on his back
i got in really big trouble for that one but i wasn't even 5 and he wanted to play

it got worse when he got another black eye...that is another memory

3. i remember when Dunc came home from the hospital
i wanted everything to be perfect and insisted on the outfits that angus and i wore
reitta ( our version of a nanny but was really an extra grandma/mom to us) she helped me put my favorite scarf on my head that uncle abe and aunt lou had given me
(i think i was a closeted boheimian, now that i really think about it...such style for a 6 year old) and angus had on his best plaid pants

it was a really big day and we had really missed gaia

there are so many more...i may have to do a partII to this post!
xoxox
momma 

my owl babies...

How did you feel the moment you became a parent?

Biggers...your birth was life changing for me...literally life changing.
when you were placed in my arms, you opened your eyes and that was it
the look on your face told the story of our future
and you yawned a big "hi momma" as if you had greeted me that way
always

Wee...my daughter.
there can be only one
and you are it.
your birth brought my past loves
alongside my present loves
to meet my future love
you.

Cherry on Top
nothing can express the day of your birth
nothing.
welcomed by the members of your entire family
on both sides
you completed the journey that daddy and i began
when we welcomed your brother and sister into our
family

each of you has brought something
meaningful
frustrating
amazing
loving
infuriating
and quentisentially
YOU
to the mixture of our family
you are precious
you are unlike any other
you
are
harrisons
and you made me
a mommy

i love you!

what daddy loves most...

What do you think your spouse loves most about you

i think daddy loves most is my commitment to our family...
it really isn't an easy decision to become a parent
and toboot...a
WORKING parent 
married to a soldier who comes and goes 
like the weekend to the week

thank goodness i had the right partner 

when you commit to loving someone 
so much
that you go into unchartered territory the same way
you leap into your very first 
cannonball
then 
you are fierce
and 
you are fearless

(actually you are probably young, crazy in love, and feeling like you OWN the world) 

it's worth it to commit and stay committed
hard work
but totally worth it

love love love,
momma

and after the craziest week at work, I'm back!

What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

balance.
i wish i was great at finding balance
turns out...i'm not so great 

if i were
i could maintain:

meal planning
and work emails
getting my nails done
with going to the gym
walking the dogs
followed by meeting deadlines
getting the oil changed in my car
on the same day as a unscheduled fire drill

balance kids...it's a hard act!
be yourselves
be honest
be real
and balance will find YOU

loving you always,
Momma

5

what are your five greatest accomplishments?

1. I played the piano for far too long and participated in HUGE recitals up until I was 14 years old. I HATED the recitals...they scared the holy living daylights out of me and as soon as I could, I gave up playing the piano and didn't look back. That part...not so proud of, but getting up and playing pieces was a tremendous accomplishment

2. At 14 I was selected to join the Washington Ballet in Washington DC. Accepting the offer would have meant leaving Alaska and my family, friends, my whole life to commit to dance...I wasn't ready and I've often wondered what might have happened...if

3. I graduated from high school, undergraduate school, and graduate school! SERIOUS hard work, in each situation, but I did it!

4. I have made a fairly successful career for myself as an educator-find something that you love and do it-you will never feel like you are "working" now...that said...i think i could have a heck of a run as a baby quilt designer...i love fabric

5. I had each of you, three marvelous, diabolically creative creatures...that is, without question, my greatest accomplishment!

a double whammy because yesterday was a double whammy

so.
life has been uncharacteristically hectic for about 6 weeks and yesterday was no exception
but
i did get to close out my week celebrating a friend and her upcoming nuptials
which was nice, and fun, and needed.

bringing me to the double postage of today-for the kinder of casa h and the ridiculously small number of peeps who read this old blog omine ( i think there are 3 of you...seriously)
here we go!

Describe 5 weaknesses and strengths you have.

strengths:
1. i can whip up a meal when needed or asked...yes...this is a superhero strength for a working momma
2. i can (usually) compartmentalize my life enough to keep our family life at a dull roar
3. i am a good friend but that sometimes backfires on me
4. i am a true believer in equality
5. i am really great at curriculum development

weaknesses:
1. each of you
2. i am vulnerable and i hate it about myself
3. i put off what i don't want to do
4. i have no problem telling off my family, but struggle with telling off others who need to hear it, which probably means i'm a sucker in some parallel universe
5. wanting to be better and, not accepting myself for who i am and how i look and what i do, right now

 Describe when you knew your spouse was the one or how I fell in love.

I highlighted this part of the post because to me, it's a serious one, and it should be!


when i met daddy i was at a crossroads in a relationship that had been revived far too many times from college i had no idea what was going on in my life, but i was having fun with my friends, and that was enough

and then he walked in

in a split second after speaking to me i knew
my life was never going to be the same
ever

i heard that in italy there is a belief about true love-
that when it happens you are struck by a lightning bolt and you are never the same
the instant electricty consumes you and you become one together

that is exactly how it felt when i met daddy
he was it
the question i could not answer was what i would have with him in my life-my heart knew exactly what i would have without saying-what i realized was
without him, i would be lost

the heart wants what the heart wants
in my case it was a sunburnt US Army Ranger...
falling in love is easy guys, staying in love, will be the work of your life
remember that




always,
momma

watching

What’s the hardest part of growing up?

if i could answer this one with witty colloquiallism
i would
but i've got none of that for today's post...

the hardest part of growing up, i think, is saying
goodbye

knowing when you don't need something or someone
any more-saying goodbye
meeting a huge life event and
moving on-saying goodbye
making your way into a new world
a new life-saying goodbye

but then

being happy with big decisions
looking ahead to new adventures
and living
a good life

makes up for the goodbyes along the way
and for those of us on the sidelines...it's not easy for us either
because the hardest part of our growing up is knowing
that the time has gone by faster than we ever knew possible...

love you forever and always
momma

do you want to be a grown up...

Describe a typical day in your current life.

my life sweeties, is very busy, and while busy means i'm alive
most days
i'm so exhausted that i can hardly claim to be alive

my weekday mornings are the same-
up by 5:30
always a HUGE mug of coffee
winter coffee is milky with sugar
summer coffe is lighter without shug
i like a 30 minute uninterrupted computer splurge
it helps me keep up with those kardashians
and other world news :o)
it's dash, dress, and drive to school

where every morning i hear
something
that has someone upset, hurt, angry, frustrated and/or
furious

all that by 0800...who knew?!

life in my office slows down by 0900-for a little while-and then it's lunch
and i'm on duty or covering detention
my lunch is a gulp

the afternoons fly by, with paperwork, meetings, and problem solving
these days make me miss my old classroom
in a way i didn't know was possible...teaching is what i love
and any job you do
you should love
being an administrator is really hard work

the school bell will ring and i'll catch myself thinking
that my life is flying past me
and i am certain i'm missing something very important
and then hours later i get in my car
to come home
and start my second job

"the plight of the working mother"
grandpadad's mantra-i hate it-but i love him
balance is tough, i go overboard trying to find it, and sometimes i feel i've missed the point
however
on those rare days when the planets align
and we all sit at the table laughing and eating a spectacular meal
that i did make all by myself
it's good.
everything is good.

and that lovies, is why i'm in bed before 10pm.
i love you-go to sleep!
momma