countdown begins

and we're here.
staring at the blank face of the end of high school (that's me)
staring at the blank canvas of the beginning of life school (that's him)

deer in the headlights...perhaps.

this past week the european soccer championships were hardcore underway
SO many unbelievable lessons learned
heartache
disappointment
and unremarkable joy as we watched our children display true athleticism and humanity, sportsmanship and
humility

too many photos to post
but some of the favorites...right here on my blogger and
always in my heart

umarmen und lieben

essie

taking a selfish moment

in the quiet house
to let my heart break just a little
today
so that maybe
just maybe in a few weeks time...
when i watch him
walk across the stage and
into
the next wonderful chapter of the life
that
made me
HIS
mother...
i won't make an utter
spectacle of myself.

i'm planning his graduation party
and i still can't figure out
where
all these days of our lives
have gone.


heart of my heart, aching a little bit today, trying to avoid the
snap.

PAH
"love you forever-
like you for always-
as long as i'm living
my baby, you'll be"
xoxoxoxoxox
momma

HHS Senior Junior Prom 2012

like a sparkle of sun peeking through a cloud

like the lingering moments of a rainbow

suddenly the year is frighteningly close to being

over.

these kiddos have made my heart sing, 

as their 

REAL 

momma

and for some as

the momma of their heart

it was a beautiful night.

knowing that SOMEHOW 

i have to pick myself up 

and

dust myself off come next month

THIS photo takes front and center on my desk as 

the gentle reminder that our life here has been 

very  very blessed!

umarmen und lieben

(more photos to follow)

essie

hugs love and thanks!

"little miss" has been
happily
living at home in the country
for 5 days now!

happy happy days for our family
xoxoxoxox to all
essie

prayers to bring her home

in a blink
life changes...Evie made it 15 minutes from the house before an Apnea hit.
the next 20+ minutes were a blurry design of
parental fear
lights
ambulances passing on a country road to transfer
a now 7 pound miracle from one to the other

doctors and nurses in our community hospital
trying and trying to find a PIT line point

less air
and then her brave daddy started to sing
our family lullaby
Byne Bye,,,,Byne Bye,,,, stars shining

and she calmed down

45 minutes of lullaby
before she took a helicopter ride back
with a nurse who knows her like her
parents do

back.

in His infinite wisdom, G-d got her outside
for the first time today
and then
back to the hospital
i am grateful for the tender mercy
He showed our family and my beautiful
little niece tonight

and
if it's not too much to ask
make the next 10 days
easy ones for her
and the parents who are desperate to
have her home

please.

william shakespeare...gotta hand it to you!

"...and though she be but little, she is fierce."

welcome home, with all our love, sweet darling niece
Evie Bee aka "Lucky Bee"

YAYAYAYAYAYYAYYYYYYY!!!!

april showers bring may flowers...right?

everyone reading knows that birthdays are among my favorite things
birthdays for OTHER people that is-
my birthday
usually hits smack dab in the middle of some natural disaster OR standardized testing week.

not the best name, Esther, for a close to Easter baby...
that was 3rd grade and the year the all the boys in my class
(a few girls too)
renamed me "Easter Egg Esther"

lovely

this birthday hasn't begun any differently...waaay too much drama
when all i really wanted was
one day
reading magazines in the sun
giving kids money to spend on overpriced food
maybe
just maybe
a little sunburnt by the time to go home.

instead
I'm a slave to my computer...
rewriting a decade old handbook

"good times" she yells from the stands
i can always hope for next year, right?

6 more and then the dogs are the winners

last year, the hunt for the money egg lasted over 5 hours.
OBurtonH was wrecked searching our tiny apartment with Biggers, Wee, and BenBen
no egg here
no egg there
until finally
Biggers found the egg
well after OBurtonH went home

it was a very funny morning

this year we weren't let down
although Biggers, understanding that a message HAD to be part of the Easter Bunny's plan,
took his searching prowess to a higher level.

(see he IS college material!!)

motivated
he kept looking until
22 minutes into Easter Morning
the money egg was his.

 "BS" says BenBen...and...with that the announcement
"I can't wait till next year when you aren't here!"
even Biggers had to laugh

Wee...she sat and watched, as the hunt for Gold hasn't been her lucky point
and
seeing her brothers
competing
(climbing over furniture, washing dishes to check the dishwasher, feeding the dogs to check the dog food...you can picture this now, can't you?!!)
is more than enough money egg for her

next year...Biggers will be in the states
teaching his cousin
Lucky Bee
how to find the dough...

boy am I hoping that my brother and his wife have their $$ saved!

Good Pesach and Happy Easter to everyone we love-
the sun is rising on a beautiful day!
umarmen und lieben,
essie

what is it?

April Fools Day naturally!

so.
outdoor soccer season is in full force
so are tree allergies
and
bad attitudes

what is it about thinking that something is YOURS if you haven't
EARNED
it?

puzzles me...
competition aside, when I was in high school
(a zillion years ago, i realize)
we-student athletes-knew what the requirements were for participating
you had to make a 2.5 GPA
period
we didn't get
"a day off to make sure we had grades" prior to playing that weekend
we had the grades
simple concept...
what are we doing for our kiddos
by
doing everything for them?
i wonder...what is it?

essie

the weight of a heart

there isn't a way to measure the weight of another person's heart
particularly when you know
just how close
their heart is to breaking

so we stop

we hold the hands of the people
we love
and
we carry their hearts
to help lighten their
load

life is hard sometimes
and bearing that unexpected and unforeseen
weight
isn't easy-isn't fun-isn't what we thought we'd ever have to
do
but
because we
love
we carry the heart

gabby...
*e*...
we can't bring Alex back
but we can always remember when she was able to
be.
and then we come together and carry one another
our hearts
in-out-never alone
together.

i love you both more than words can say-
you are amazingly good people
something that carries my heart-everyday.

xoxoxoxooxoxo
essie

bumble bee buzzing all around

my little bumblebee

three months old on monday

a miracle

this little light 

she has been the saving grace for us all

a miracle

november 27

one pound eight ounces

february 27 

four pounds eight ounces

OUR miracle

umarmen und lieben

aunt essie

love, family, valentines, and all things bloggish

it's my parents 46th anniversary tomorrow!
FORTY SIX YEARS
amazing...
years 31 to 46 have been
without question
heavy on the drama side but
they've made it and
our family has made it
we're all still here!

in fact, we're here with all kinds of new love
to show for the past 15 years

let's take a quick look back

the weeness arrived in 1999
a border crossing move in 2006
followed shortly thereafter by...
an international move in 2007
Lor arrived in 2009
there was a wedding in 2010
a retirement in 2011 capped by
the arrival of baby bumblebee in 2011
biggers will graduate in 2012
he will move this summer...
wee turns 16 years old
we will move this summer...
the weeness will cap our year out when he turns 13
bring on 2013

all this and more in 15 years...
and my daddy, still here
and my mommy, still here
although there were many who doubted it-
last year
forty six years ago
folks held their breath

but here we are-
loving, laughing, finding sunshine behind the clouds
looking FORWARD

the day before Valentines Day
my parents pledged their love to one another
eternal valentines setting the bar
really really high
for the rest

every life that is shared so intimately has downs that hit alongside with the ups
they aren't perfect
but
they do have an amazing legacy to enjoy and move forward with
that they do.

happy anniversary to two of my lifetime favorite valentines
and
to the rest of my family,
valentine love comes flying long distance to each of
you!

SWAK
umarmen und lieben
essie

and where exactly has january gone?

could someone please tell me-
i thought i knew
i guess i don't...all these days are just rolling into time
racing past my heart and head

waaaay too fast

biggers returned from Model UN yesterday
MORNING
and turns right around to fly back to the states
TOMORROW
for college visits

seriously...i'm in desperate need of "do-over" years
not do-over moments, but actual
years.

pity party over now!
this week was something.
if you get a chance, google
Barbara Coloroso
she's uh-maze-zing.

my school signed the first "anti-bullying" policy between agency and the army after the pilot program in another garrison was completed

Barbara Coloroso had a LOT to do with this, Barbara and the momma friend of mine who has done fabulous things for the agency in her job.

it's a lofty goal to eliminate bullying from a school, but, to eliminate bullying from a
community
it takes commitment, courage, and cahones!
it really does take a village...

google Barbara and you'll see where we are headed-
21st century learning never looked so inspired.

umarmen und lieben
essie

here we are

back again after a rapid fire work week
wow.
was i ever busy...

today it is cold and icky in germany

bleech.

yesterday: a very long and incredibly productive meeting and doodle bug got a fabbo haircut/dye
today: Model UN trip madness before prestie leaves for the Hague and Harry's 50th birthday
tomorrow: laundry, raking, mopping, cooking and driving

dontcha wish my life was yours?!!

here we are...domesticity and mid life living...at it's finest.

umarmen und lieben
essie

home again home again jiggety jig!

long drive home in the very strange snow...snow-ish...wind...wind-ish.

home with a box full of love AND cookies
from florida
clothes-ies from colorado
and random items
from amazon

today on the menu at casa h
the taking down of a beautiful and very short lived
christmas tree

our only tree in morlenbach
the only time we will know the holidays in
this house

down
down
down.

so far, what took hours to find,
put up,
light,
and decorate
has taken a remarkable
93 minutes
to dismantle.

i have a table covered in
ornaments
and three pieces of
christmas tree
waiting on the couch to go into the
10 month box
before they are
ALL
pulled out again for the holidays in
wherever we are about to land...
next

there is something very exciting about
the unknown
the insane anticipation that brought us here
to the Odenwald
has tempered ever so slightly
because in great part
i know
100%
that we can do this...live in another country
miss who and what we love
skype or facetime
translate between no less than three languages on a daily basis
pay bills online...almost with regularity :o)
check the mail
buy groceries us or euro style
walk our dogs

we can live here and we can do it without
"holy hot mess batman" freak outs that were a little too regular this past fall
sometimes we're more spontaneous than other times
sometimes there's more available euro than other times
sometimes what's important ends up being not so much
and in all these times we've learned
we can roll with it
we can deal with it
or
we can simply let it go.

not in anyway
the end of the world
jiggety jig!

umarmen und lieben
essie

doing

i can't say
"done and done"
YET
but today
the first of many many teacher boxes went
into the lounge with a happy sign that said
"FREE to a NEW home"

and, not looking back, taking no prisoners...

it felt really good!

books, lesson plans, activities, learning centers
all of it
sitting in the lounge waiting for new homes
a fresh start
for years of happy teaching
that until this afternoon
had been languishing in the basement

next week: five more boxes
and me, one week closer to a finish line that is really
my beginning

umarmen und lieben
essie

the fine line

hmmm...
what IS the fine line?
WHERE is the fine line?
how have i been missing it for so very long?!

we are safely INto 2012
next week i will have been commuting from
home
to
hohenfels
for twelve complete weeks.

which i can hardly believe
because as i explained to doodlebug
i keep myself as busy at work as i possibly can
to stop from missing
home
so very much

12 weeks have passed and
we're still dealing with boxes from
august
boxes actually from
august 2007
when we first arrived in germany

and so
with the fine line closing in on ME
and in my honest attempt to be
a true role model
this weekend i do the unthinkable...

teacher boxes
full
of the greatest, longest, hardest, most earnest
days of my life
are coming back to hohenfels with me
up
for
grabs.

it's time for me to start accepting the fine line is maybe more
of a finish line

and i have to start somewhere
or we will have august boxes from 2012
in the basement in 2017
and that folks is really where i
must
draw the line.

umarmen und lieben
essie

trying trying!

internet is hard to come by when i'm not at casa h...
my teeny tiny little boarding house room-not exactly the plaza when it comes to modern amenities.

it IS a safe, warm place though, when it's time to sleep after a long day at school.
i'm grateful.

that role model wish for 2012
i'm trying
really i am

sitting here in the java
watching all the high schoolers come and go-
next year will be good for the 2 harrisons who move here
with
lots of room for the harrison getting ready to
spread his wings
and our extra harrison-for the boys to come back to-
next year will be good.

for now though, we're trying
to finish the quarter
to learn new routines
to prepare for indoor soccer
to study for AP exams
to move forward

it's all we can do
role model with a smile

umarmen und lieben
essie

auld lang syne really means...

this year on NYE we actually had all 5 in the car for enough time to share our resolve and get into what we thought 2012 would help us accomplish...
 (not in any order they follow)
 good grades
acceptance into the college of my heart
learn german-not just liquid courage german-really speaking
improve my vocabulary
be a better role model

pretty lofty for casa h!

however everyone had something to say and given that for the past few years there have been
lists
suggestions
attitudes
heartbreak
disaster
joy
unexpected surprise
the absence of silence when we went around the car, i took as, a good sign

 it's funny to me how the change from one year to the next can provide
comfort and expectation
all at once
newness must do that-
re-charge our inner battery just enough for hope to float to the surface
come January 1st.

 shaking bad habits
dusting yourself off when you're down
coming back for more-day in...day out
commitment = the work of life

without hope stashed somewhere in the mix all you have is pressure

 like i said before...no more balls in the air this year no more pressure
2012: you're heeeere, and in my head and in my heart, hope floats
time to get started on that role model stuff.

 umarmen und lieben
essie

let the new year begin

2011 was without question the year of greatest upset and upheaval that i can remember

it's been a very long time coming-waiting for 2012
waiting for the ball to drop
waiting

in 2011 our family spent too much time with balls up in the air-
that kind of pressure, no one needs to live with

in 2012 our family has already many great things to look forward to
moments that will become memories
moments where laughing is the norm
moments where tears come from joy

2012 we're ready, no more waiting.
umarmen und lieben
essie

gabby

this post is for you-

because i could
really i could leave a message on every post that your blog shares

you are such a wonderful wifey
you are such a marvelous momma
you are such a spectacular sister
you are such a fantastic friend...
i know right now you're blushing, laughing, and saying
"aaawwww essie-cakes, you are such a silly mess"
I can hear your voice in my head!
:o)

you ARE all these things, and so much more, gabness you truly are.

the memories you are working on making with your littles
the sleep you are losing because tamales and peppermint playdoh are callin
the grey along max's snout
the half smiles of your face (b/c a precious cherub has more photo space)
the look of complete satisfaction on mr. mike

you've accomplished this all
you have it good baby girl, i'm so proud of you!

G-d bless you this holiday and every day
with all my love
essie-cakes

eBee

on a sunday 2 weeks ago
this nugget, of nothing but pure goodness,
became the newest member of our family.

as you can see, she came too soon...
so soon, that other people would say, this might be very difficult-
but other people don't know what i know.

my niece, Evelyn Beatrice, "EvieB"
my little lovebug,
my EBee
she has the heart of a lion
and the will to live that pales in comparison
to any wonder of the world i've ever seen.

in fact-in my eyes-
she's the 8th wonder of the world-
blessing and miracle all wrapped up in 2 pounds of sugar

so tiny
yet
so big
already
at 2 weeks
her spirit fills my heart
her want to be with her family
fills my soul

i cannot wait to meet her...these are the moments when 6000 miles does make the difference
and the difference right now is hard

for now
our coffeetalks will have to suffice.

my little bumblebee...we welcome you with love!
aunt essie

twenty six years = nine thousand, four hundred and ninety days

in January 1986, Team Leader graduated from Ranger School...
he enlisted in october of 1985

waaay before he knew that in anchorage alaska his future was running track, dancing ballet, swimming, eating at McDonalds

his future was waiting for him, and, he had no clue.

he joined the service and made a decision to see this committment to his country
through
in the hardest way, as a Ranger, born into battalion
not looking back.

lately, he's had time to look back-
yesterday was the culmination of a twenty six year long career and a future,
he never saw coming.

today my husband,
MY center of gravity,
the man who has given me everything I never saw coming
used his Retiree ID card to access base.

talk about a moment.

yesterday when he finalized his status i apoloigized for not being THERE with him as he walked into his new life
his answer was simple:
"26 years ago I walked in quietly, by myself and today, 26 years later I'll walk out quietly...by myself"

when we hung up the phone i cried for a minute.

he's given so much, and you know today, all the people who saw the effective date on his new id card...not one person said thank you...which surprised me.

lessons learned over 26 years of service:
if YOU know why you did it, no one needs to say thank you, but it sure is nice.

lessons learned over 20 years of service:
marriage is forever.

I love you Tony-
thank you for everything you have done to secure our country in it's time of need
thank you for everything you have done to secure peace for all who desire calm and understanding
thank you for always being the person prepared
to give the ultimate sacrifice
to fight for the oppressed
to be the man our family can look up to-

congratulations, with all our love,
e,p,d, b, AND k

EIGHTEEN?!?!?!?!!!!

once in a lifetime someone you love turns
18.
today it was biggers...
my number 1

the child who made me a mommy
rocked every single second of my world for
9 months
and arrived with a smile that melted my heart
and set the bar
high
high
high

he turned eighteen
snap!
just like that

we had cupcakes at football practice
the way we did on birthdays
7,8,9,10, and 11

we went to a sushi house for dinner
just like we did on birthdays
7,8,9,10, and 11

years that daddy was gone thanks to the army
and we did everything we could to make the absence seem normal-
it was the first time Team Leader had ever been at football practice to sing happy birthday to his own son.

my mother in law, on the phone tonight, said
"i know these days are bittersweet for you-i can feel that.."
bittersweet
emotional
busy
moving faster than any of us care to say

watching TL lead the team in the birthday song, i felt the first snap of an apron string breaking

my baby boy
my bigger
doodlebug and wee's big brother
OUR son

is eighteen
today

my birthday wish-that every year from here on out he feels the love that celebrated with him:
singing, laughing, joking, cupcake eating
loving him and wishing him well as he walked into his adulthood

october 5 1993
with all my love to you PAH
xoxoxoxoxoxox
momma

the start of a new decade

ten years later.

we've been at war now for ten years-
in my lifetime i never thought something like this would happen.
i remember my friends in high school as we all turned 18 talking about
the selective service registration
they would have to fill out...
one small rite of passage that to them, at the time, was insignificant.

our son turns 18 in three weeks.

for me this birthday is poignantly significant on many many levels...
and
the day he signs that same small piece of paper
i'll be one degree closer to what entering a new decade of war actually
means.

sidebar into how this 10 year day is memorialized and trivialized all at once:
with
births
deaths
celebrations
picnics
pundits
sporting events
soccer clinics
prayer
quiet reflection
more prayer
and hope-
that perhaps, ten years is enough, and that the idea of walking blindly into ten more
should
mean something

sidebar back to my dear college friend in Japan-
i think of your brother, his selfless bravery in the face of true evil, and you...
part of a loving and gentle family that gave him the strength to be that man in that moment-i am in awe

i remain grateful and hopeful everyday because of it
you both signed that small piece of paper once upon a time...

segway into the reminder that in this world there are no guarantees
BUT
that doesn't mean we have to live in fear-
the unknown isn't always a terrible thing.
we should though, posture ourselves to live the lives we have graciously been given
with laughter, joy, and hope.
everyday
even when we aren't sure we really want to...
we have these days to live because someone else has signed that small piece of paper
and
has in someway or another
been called to answer for it

everyday-find the moment
live it
love someone because of it
laugh for no reason
pray for peace-everyday

Rest in Peace Jeremy and Karen
with love
e

sweet little blog o mine

i haven't forgotten you
I SWEAR!

it's been a busy busy summer-
moving
soccer
moving
cars
dogs
kids
family
summer
and it ends tonight
*sigh*

Year 22 begins

umarmen und lieben
essie

photo-palooza begins now!

TDY love, take one: March 2011






Poland with Lena and babies: February 2011


(the magical glass garden...next trip, the peacock comes home)

(all the loot from that trip and yes-the christmas tree is in the background)

Michael Brendel ODP tourney...the faces of soccer that i love...



(benzilla totally torked off b/c his team came in 3rd...)


Momma: denim and diamond auction Feb.2011


(that's the bavarian bed i won for $82.00-madness!!!)

Pres: indoor soccer tourney Nov. 2010

good grief

i've been a baad blogger.

and i missed (among other things)
wishing my one and only
girl
the happiest 15th birthday a momma could ever wish!

as i type
i'm down(or is it UP)loading
762 photos from my camera

essentially the lives of those wacky inhabitants at casa h
since...
January-ugh-i'm in blogging time-out for bad behavior!

i'm getting there folks-hang in!

umarmen und lieben
essie

no 368 house photos

these photos aren't on fb...

side view of the front of house

backyard from the bier garten


backyard minus our 4 legged neighbors

my new kitchen! as seen from the dining room

YAYAYAYAY!!!

367 odenwald...here we come!

miracle of miracles

we found out on saturday that
the house
the place where
i can see

friends
parties
family
parties
birthdays
parties
anniversaries
parties
graduations
parties
dances
parties
dresses
parties
suits
parties
flowers
parties
coffee mornings
parties
snow
parties
sunshine
parties
commuting
parties
a trampoline
parties
and puppies becoming
dogs

the house
is ours for the renting
and my heart is
happy!

now-some photos are on fb-and photos
will eventually be posted here
i owe lots of picts...i know this...i've been really busy
BUT
what most be noted for posterity-
there is MUCH room for all of our lovies to join us
in
Germany!~!~!~!

please consider it...
umarmen und lieben
essie

weeeel hello there friends!!

it's been so long since i blogged i realized i didn't know if i remembered my LOG IN!
errp.
with a little hair dye and head scratching
i got it

and

with high school soccer officially over for this school year
i'm back!

photos of the soccer madness will be posted, and the fyi-
we have 2 kinder receiving varsity letters...
wooo stinkin hooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

our harrisons were spectacular
in every way!
(i love my kiddos very very much)

umarmen und lieben
essie

4 out of 4

snap your fingers and
poof.
just like that
you watch your first born
register for his
last
year
of school...

bittersweet
doesn't even begin to describe
the place
where my heart sleeps tonight

so proud
and full of disbelief
all at once

where did time fly away too
and why do i want it to slow
slow
so much
slow down?

i love you with every piece of my momma heart
p.a.h.
every piece

and it is my momma heart-string wish
for you
that the year ahead is magic.

umarmen und lieben
momma

18 is a great number!

happy anniversary BB-
i love you with all my heart!!!
BB

18 is a great number!

happy anniversary BB-
i love you with all my heart!!!
BB

362 wild horses

what an insane week-
BUT
what a lucky girl, getting to see gaia, grandpadad, uncle j, ang, lor, da, and...
my rahnie/schultz!!!
(as if they were a WWE tag team!!)
i met some wonderful folks at HQ
i did some wonderful work, with said folks, at HQ

i decided to fill "my house in germany that doesn't know it's our house" with beautiful paintings
starting with Grammie's, and now adding TWO more beauties of Rodger's to our fray!

"word"
"the bride"
"a sweet disorder"

meet

"esther bonsai"

"cinnamon bonsai"

and "almost tony bonsai" which is a comission based on this piece, which team leader fell in love with
but was sold faster than we could purchase


rodger is the hubby of my superfly momma rose, and daddy of my super K, and
the magician behind this amazing talent.

HE is so seriously up and coming-wild horses couldn't stop this man
WE are so proud to call him and his beautiful family our friends
great people
great art

it was a whirlwind week-part 2 starts up in less than 3 weeks
i can't wait!

umarmen und lieben
essie

361 remember

I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.
~Michelangelo

with love, hugs, prayers and peace
to e, and g,
with our friendship
hand in hand
heart to heart
always

360. i can hear the angels singing

best day EVER
was yesterday
(which is still coming up as today b/c that's how my yoda laptop works...)
holy smoke-
this past week has been busy busy busy
making me
tired tired tired
all leading up to friday and a professional development day that was setting itself up to be maybe not so much fun.
the big kicker, me, and my 2 coaching partners in crime were RESPONSIBLE for the professional development
us
with big smiles
"this will be fun, and useful, and help us all work on our craft!"
looking out at
a cohort of colleagues who are dealing (or not) with the impending upheaval of a move because of base realignments.

FYI-if you don't know, having no control over your future can be a terrifying thing,
and
when you've lived somewhere for as long as 20 years
being told you have to attend a meeting to begin that process can be a
major
buzz
kill

(now over at casa h, we haven't lived ANYWHERE for more than 7 years, but the uncertainty of big moves can be troubling...)

back to the buzz kill-
I
was the presenter scheduled to do her thing when we all came back to our professional dev after the morning meeting.
the "after lunch bunch"
i was so nervous i literally took 30 seconds and cried.
(and yes, maybe it was a little overly dramatic of me, but the friend I was with is a boston toughie, she can handle it)

i went to my pro dev and pasted on my best
"not terrifed"
smile until i learned that the superintendent for curriculum instruction and assessment was there-
early-we DID have a meeting but it was meant to be AFTER my schpeel
NOT
before it.

gulp

big girl panties on now-i do my part and right brain/left brain balance my fear with how we all need to LOOK at our students as the whole child, not one way or another, brain balanced activities in the classroom, mind mapping my way through the longest and shortest hour of my life.

woohoo at 2:00!
i'm done!

then the meeting-with our superintendent CIA
heh
it even makes him laugh
a BIG very important meeting that sends me in 10 days back to the states to HeadQuarters
OMG
OMG
OMG
twice
that's right TWO trips back to virginia and my MOMMY!!!!

(sidebar: gaia is having amazing reactions to her chemo meds, the infusion nurses are thrilled, she has all her hair-tho prestie shaved his off in solidarity to his grandma-heart of MY heart)

so i wrap up my meeting, and come home.
friday was almost over-BUT
somewhere in an office-somewhere
my district superintendent was working with our HR and union to decide who (of the 79folks that were looking for jobs-all those people with me in the morning meeting) would get one of the 65 available jobs in our district and maybe not have to make a tremendous move somewhere around the world.

at 6;16 pm my notification came to my work inbox
i was placed in THE school where i wanted to go-
with an admin team i cannot wait to work for-
in a city in germany that will allow
pres to graduate here
dollie to graduate here
and
ben (who was REALLY rooting for italy)
to be pretty ticked off but available enough to be bribed back into happy.

no more worrying about job security
no more stairwell

benefits that give us a real life with ROOTS
my heart overflows with thanks for the blessing bestowed on my family-
roots.
a fighting momma.
a job.

and with that, i CAN hear the angels singing!
it is a full on hallelujah chorus!!!!
wiesbaden germany-get ready for casa h!
umarmen und lieben
essie

dear heavens

team leader and i are STILL laughing!!!

no 358 just like that

it is february!
and this baby (photo taken in december)

will be FOUR months old on the 9th!!

photo montage to follow!
umarmen und lieben
e

no 357 who else is going to bring you a broken arrow

so i've spent the morning trolling blogs written by women who are fully funded (by hubbies that must be gazillionaires and all the ads on their sites) who are 100% into the home decor thing.

now, don't get me wrong, i'm all about a pretty home

i guess i don't keep up with trends, and really decorate with things i like or were given to me by people i love(d)

as the only girl, i've gotten a lot of the pass downs from the grammies and grandpas, and every now and then i'm reminded of just how old some of these things are...like this chair i'm sitting in-right now
it was in my grandfather's office in DC, and i've loved it since i was in middle school
loved it so much that my mom had it recovered for me 8 or so years ago
-
because really
i'm not the girl who has figured out how to do that
-
but in this last month, a leg has broken, and i think my days with this sweet old friend might be really numbered...does giving it away mean i'm a bad granddaughter?
should i find someone who can help me restore it to greatness...a little more life yet to be lived, or sat in, really

and this computer desk...bedroom furniture that mom and dad got for pres back
in
2000...
it's a full on hot mess
BUT
since we moved here the kids friends have written on it, signed their names, left their marks and personalized it in a way that monograms just couldn't do it justice.
it is bulky
it is outdated
it is ours...but should IT go?

speaking of which, my cookbook madness...i love a good cookbook, and when we left nc, i gave at least 20+ away
so explain this
(for the record...these are the books actually on a shelf.
the rest are stacked on a counter...all 15 of them, and, one recipe box)

how do you decide when you're ready to make changes...is there a cosmo quiz out there somewhere to help you know WHEN?

i happen to love my christmas tree
and all our ornaments
and my colored lights

i really don't want a theme tree every year...it's hard enough for me to commit to gift wrap!

anyhoo...oma mentioned that mr. pres has photos on fb that made her feel like she was on a virtual field trip with the boy...and made me realize that i've been pretty bad about sharing life in europe with ya'll.

must be the opsec in me
(operational security for those who just said "what the face, essie?!!")
i really don't like taking photos of our base, or the bases we go to-just in case.
but i can take photos of where we go and what we do when we are OFF post
and i can work a little more on the sharing part

while i'm throwing away and repainting everything we own in between!

gaia, btw, sounds fantastic and is swimming a mile a day in spite of her monthly trip to the doctor!
grandpadad is walking a full country mile a day, up and down winding roads with more energy now than he knew he still had!
oreo is the happiest little doggie, thanks in great part, to all the new outfits he's gotten post life-redeux!
junior has FINALLY figured out how to go DOWNSTAIRS without being carried-miracle of miracles-and in the nick of time as he's topped 30 pounds at 16 weeks!
the kinder of casa h are recovering from a nasty bout of make-up work-
team leader is perfecting his future stay at home princess cooking
(which i love...who else is going to bring me a bottle of rain...just him)
and me
i've taken a very refreshing break from fb, a self induced cyber holiday, proving to myself that i really prefer blogging to all the insane fb updating that i did before
i've cleaned my head and heart of the worry, stress, and negativity that started up my school year and i'm not looking back!

(in fact, i'm even listening to music in the house, another thing off my 2011 to do list...go me!)

we're survivors over here at casa h, us, folks and furniture-
thinking i've answered my own question i'm off to look for some fabric and wood glue.
happy almost february to all my loves
umarmen und lieben
essie

no. 356 fruit gum

no.351 back

from a whirlwind trip to the states

i'm still putting it all together in my head...the moment i hugged my mom-
how little she felt in my arms
my brothers and dad
how their bodies all relaxed-slackening after carrying so much weight these past few weeks.

driving to the doctor, again and again
cleaning out drawers and shelves
(don't forget to make that salvation army drop!)
setting up schedules
learning how to
shop online for groceries (WHO KNEW!!)
resetting our family goals-
our hopes and dreams
that are so simple in actuality
but mean everything, all on the table, open and exposed
in this new year

i'm sorry i didn't get to see and/or say goodbye to the people who carry their love for our family in their hearts-you make living in a small community worth all the wealth in the world and tho we didn't get to see and say what our hearts know...
i
love
you
all!

umarmen und lieben
essie

no. 350 Guten Rutsch

we hope your slide into 2011 was fun, fast, and gave you enough time to find something soft to catch you upon impact!

umarmen und lieben
essie

no 349 "resolutions vs. REALLY cool list"

* credit where credit is due...i'm cyber stealing my dear friend Christy's idea, with love and hugs to her for being so brilliant! *

sitting in our little apartment

no pictures to share from a birthday, hannukah, christmas eve, christmas day, dinner, puppy-love, or new years eve as they were just accidentally erased
(yup...that really did just happen...seriously, every photo on my camera-g.o.n.e.)
i'm thinking that G-d, in his infinite wisdom somehow KNEW i needed to begin this year with
a
clean
slate

filling up on delicious racclette
drinking waaay too much apple-pomegranate juice
relishing a phone call
reflecting on 2010
and wondering
just what will happen
in 2011

i went for a blog walk
started looking at my favorite places to lurk
where friends i know and friends i'll never actually meet
go
to share the labors and loves of their own lives.

and in the middle rests this:
no more resolutions, just REALLY cool lists-
lists of the things that make life
happy
exciting
maybe a little scary as we venture outside a comfort zone
full.

really full.
so here is MY contribution to what casa h might need in order to be really cool
(in no particular order, but because i AM a teacher, i'm counting down from 10 to 1)

10. get our puppy to walk DOWN the stairs before he is over 25 pounds and I can't carry him forever.

9. teach my children the importance of handwritten communication over texting or email

8. go to a cooking class somewhere exotic

7. become the hot wifey to a US SF retiree!!!!

6. play more music in our house-all kinds

5. read a book alongside each of our three littles so we can actually DISCUSS what's happening as we read

4. move off the bunny slope...in more ways than even I know

3. dance with my husband on a beach

2. (this is a real 2-fer) take a stab at relearning my HS French AND improving my get out of jail German

1. go to craptastic ohio

live in the NOW, by doing all of these things and then, make another really cool list!

Guten Rutsch (mit umarmen und lieben)
Willkommen 2011

essie

no 348 we interrupt this blog

for a fun giveaway that is located right over here!

*e* go look and try to win!
xoxox

no 347 wake up...I'm 11!!!

the sound of excitement at 530 in the morning

my little boy

not quite so little anymore
not quite so big
that buckets of toys, books, and movies there to
celebrate
HIM
aren't the icing on his birthday cake!

they were...
and for the record...
having that nugget of little still in my life-
that's the icing on mine!

i love you ben ben-
happy 11th birthday!!!!!!!!!!!
momma

(photos to follow-my c drive is full and i need to move some old photos to make room for the new ones!)

the worst of it

yesterday my daughter said
"get off the phone, daddy says miss jessica is calling you"

one minute i was christmas shopping
the next
i was literally sitting down
listening to my darling friend
tell me the worst of it

listening to jess
find the strength to finish
what i asked her to start when i emailed her 10 days ago
worrying only about pneumonia
not cancer

out loud
no censoring real life
on my blog
my diary
mine

my mother has cancer
stage 4 cancer
in the pleural lining of her lung

this isn't cancer you can operate on-really
though i've found a specialist in boston that i want to talk to
just because
just because i've been away
6,000 miles away and doctors haven't been talking to me
i need my questions answered
first hand
to ensure that where we go next HELPS HER

she begins chemo at the hospital today, and, continues chemo in our hometown hospital when she gets back early next week

she's absoluely gobsmacked by this-we all are-cancer from out of thin air?!
who says that is alright?

i'm mad
i'm scared
i'm hopeful
i'm prayerful
i'm ready to meet this head on with her
but really-when are we ever ready to hear the worst of it
and not feel slightly, ever so slightly
shattered

heart of my heart-
heart of her heart
i carry you

gaia

they call us the sandwich generation
the ones who have their children
and
their parents
we love
we laugh
we live
caring for them all
caring for them because that's what families do

until

someone else has to provide the care
the care
that could be the
difference between
life and death

and then, in the moment when, care rests on the shoulder's of another
you realize that
you aren't alone
you were never alone
you won't face the future alone

my sweet mother is facing the battle of her life right now
i'm six thousand miles away
trusting with all my heart
and soul
in the team that has been placed in charge of her care

i know she will survive this
possibly war-torn in places before this fight is won-
but alive
which is what matters most

she needs to know what, where, and WHY
before she can really begin this fight-that is her-
i need to know that she believes she will be healed-that is me-

together we are mother and daughter
heart of my heart
heart of her heart
our own sandwich

when i was little we used to make a family sandwich:
mom and dad were the bread, i was the filling...
our own sandwich

no wonder.

i LOVE you mommy
you WILL be healed
YOU will fight this and
W.I.N.
gleefie

no. 346 OR the third of Oreo's final bill

oof.

as if the last post wasn't emotional enough
gaia has landed her overworked self in the
hospital

her very own hell on earth,
as a manner of speaking-is the hospital
and
she's there...
for a while it appears
thanks to a horrifying case of
pneumonia
which collapsed one lung, pushing the other lung,
literally
into tomorrow
and in the process crushing her trachea.

too close a call for me-for all of us actually
and
now because we add insult to injury
her trip to germany for christmas is indefinitely postponed...the place where she gets to rest and relax, is too far for her to travel.
boo
hiss
wipe away the tears and pull up the bootstraps
all so she can GET BETTER
and find her way back to us.

jessica and traci...you will NEVER know how much your getting to her, meant to
me.

how much you 2 mean to
me.

i've said it probably 25 times since thursday night when grandpadad made the call:
"i choose to believe we ARE a lucky family"
a very lucky family-
tonight i count my blessings once again, and ask that happy thoughts continue to be sent my precious momma's way.

umarmen und lieben
dassie

no. 345 OR the deposit on oreo's vet bill to date

so it stands to reason
just
when you think everything is under control
when you think you are the captian of your ship
when you think you are the master of your destiny
that somewhere
something
someone
someplace...
it will all go tits up.

here i was chugging down a cider, convinced my only problem was
the growing carb tire-quickly making itself at home around my abdomen.
simple stuff people
until
oreo got sick

not just "MOOOOOOOOOOOOM the dog's puking" sick
but really really "holy shit" sick
the kind of sick that makes a mom like me
not sooo dainty
actually full on spazzing
and terrified

with thanks to our German groomer, and one of our "extra harrisons" who speaks perfect German
we got oreo, in the moment where i thought his life was ending before us, to
a 24 hour clinic.
he's been there since wednesday night and continues to surprise everyone with his
fiesty little shih tzu attitude
however, we really need him to respond to the meds he is on-physically respond-go to the bathroom on his own...
he needs to pull that rabbit out of his hat by monday
we can't maintain a dog on a catheter forever...
the actual cost of this canine emergency is staggering and at a point
the financial hemmorage needs to be contained.

saying it out loud made me physically sick last night
and by the grace of true love, the people who know me best,
absolved me of this heartwrenching guilt.

loving them as i do, a thousand times i would take the stinging pain
of horrible decision making
away-
thanking them, i realize, isn't enough...
knowing we always have the benefit of living our lives together-that will do.
certainly it will and for that i thank the powers that brought us to each other

so seeing him this afternoon, perfect in everyway but one, made the reality of this weekend all too clear.
our little, high maintenence, dramatic, outfit loving doggie needs a
hannukah miracle
so, if it isn't too much to ask-when you have a second, give it to oreo and then share it with G-d

umarmen und lieben
e

no. 344 up early

late night always mean an early up.

junior shortbus...he's been up for an hour
which means...I'VE been up for an hour
really, how much sniffing and toy chewing can a puppy do?!!
at least he's taking my mind off the events from this week, and what might lie ahead

someone please tell the weekend to get here NOW

"yes, it's okay, they are the same thing"

e-i can't begin to tell you what that meant last night
and how perceptive IS that mr. tony

fixing will happen after i pay off the vet.

sending all my love to a craptastic town in ohio.
every little last bit!
e

no. 343 heartfelt thanks

i cannot begin to describe everything i'm thankful for-
my heart knows what my head can't always find the words for
which
is often times good enough for me.

lately though
life has been
hard
really
really
quite difficult and very
very unpleasant
and now with the heels of a lovely restorative holiday behind me
back come the words, so, here goes:

"a hard fall" can mean more than one thing...
this fall, down i went-
what went with me, my confidence and my ability to trust

my thanks this year came
(naturally)
in the form of the man who took me on 18 years ago without looking back
him
and the family we've carved from our life together;
my three baby owls, whatever in the world would i be without you?

the friend who knows me sometimes better than i know myself
taking seconds to share common words of hope
in spite of insane "kotel living" (remember mr. ben and the "kotels!") for 4 months that would make any reasonable person certifiable after 4 days!
those single moments that become our life line phone calls...we really should have paid better attention to how good we had it back on miranda drive...
ah well
until mr. nestle gets his act together-seconds, moments, phone calls will do!

a little boy who keeps his car seat in my car
safely defining where he fits in my heart
and his beautiful momma (to be) a daddy who came home to them-
what joy awaits around yonder bend for this little family

cows.
the dairy.
a dedicated and devoted family we found by accident
bringing me "round aboot" to pieces of myself...
chance becomes great, good, fortune
and
friendship for life.

heartfelt thanks indeed
for love, friendship, guidance, perspective, kindness, more love and family.
always family.

i love you tony
e

no. 342 new baby love

sweet little nose
all scrunched up
sweet little wiggly body
all stretched out
baby breath
baby smell

join the five of us (and one VERY ticked off Oreo)
in welcoming

Junior H



who joined our brood 8 weeks ago when pres and i walked in to walk his momma and da'
only to find that he and eight other little boxers had been born moments before!

he snores when he sleeps
and
he likes to sleep next to one of us OR
the enormous soft teddy bear which came off dollie-doo's bed to create a family feel for him.

another creature in 900 square feet-
i must be mad!

until the day they cart me away-
umarmen und lieben
e

no.342 ready for the holidays

and we'll be putting up the tree this weekend!
in the nick of time
after Thanksgiving
before Hannukah
all happening
really ready, or, not?

pictures of the mayhem to follow

umarmen und lieben
e

no. 341 so...

what do you want us to bring you back from
IRELAND?

thanksgiving redefined:
5 harrisons
+
3 mcganns
for 3 days
=
whoa big BIG fun!

we will get there a few days ahead...blarney stones to kiss and all
when you can't go home for the holidays
you make the most of the holidays.

we
are trying!

umarmen und lieben
essie

HBBB to tante!!!

no. 340 huh?!

when did it become november?
and more importantly
when
did it become the 14th of november?!!

good grief this year has zoomed by.

first weekend where we got to sleep until 7am on saturday...kind of interesting how those 2 extra hours of sleep can make a day
thaaaaaat
much better.

wishing tho
-this beautiful fall morning 6000 miles away-
that i were close enough to give my tante
the
huggle buggle bunny burger
that carries her out of the hospital
and
back into her home.
wishing...

i love you tante
essie

R.I.P. Halloween Momma

we had a great run, Halloween and i-
if i had known on those exhausting early evening walks that there would be a day when i didn't go with you
i would have never complained...
not once.
i would have spent more time laughing
and taking photos
and maybe even dressing up a little myself

*sigh*

Halloween was always about the three of you
and the costumes you had to have
and the love i sewed into every stitch.

when you morphed into the three who had other costume ideas
i stepped back and let you
tell me
show me
and ultimately fall behind as you ran from house to house

prestie, if lukie was there that was all that mattered, friendship came before candy
doodle bug, you were the one with the most stamina, you could walk for blocks
mr. ben, the excitement was in the costume, not in the treats-you were always done within 15 minutes.

we took photos in front of houses with virginia leaves falling
we took photos of mouths tasting chocolate for the very first time
we took photos along a white picket fence with friends that were family-the mommas always amazed by the changes in you from year to halloween year

and at the end of the night i'd fall asleep so tired i couldn't feel my toenails
thankful that i had 365 days of respite
after last night (our "designated trick or treat night" here on post)
i came to the conclusion, with a gulp in my throat and a teeny tiny tear from an eye, that seventeen years is a pretty good run


last night after an amazing day of football where you ran in an 80 yard touchdown, you went BY YOURSELF
waving me away when your friends met you at the field, but thinking enough about the momma in the car to yell without turning "LOVE YA mom"



you two
-oh my goodness-
a day of heartfelt volleyball, where a season ended with many more lessons learned than skills (yes lovebug, you really ARE THAT good, don't doubt it) and a brother who made every home game to cheer you and the school you share on

you both raced home to get ready for a birthday party-
at a hotel-
no trick or treating
best friends sharing moments that will be the memories you cherish
you came into the livingroom and i saw this


and suddenly it was me, team leader, and the dog.
we were meant to go to a halloween party-i made
"cured epidermis with bone marrow slices"
(prosciutto ham baked to a crisp with slices of melon)
and
"devils on broomsticks"
(dates stuffed with asiago cheese, wrapped in bacon, baked to a crisp)
when the internet died
and we lost
EVERY PIECE OF PARTY INFO
that we had
and
while we were all dressed up
suddenly
we had no place to go

so that was the final trick i suppose
halloween got one over on me at last
here's MY treat
i will always have the memories

HAPPY HALLOWEEN YA'LL

umarmen und lieben
e

no. 338 seriously due for an update

in the weeks of this
busy
busy
fall
i've gone full throttle away from summer
into
fallish working madness

i've sadly neglected this blog.
for which i am greatly sorry
because as much as i love updating posts for each of you
i've so loved doing it for me-
just looking back on our life
makes all the days of it that we spend
so far away from each of you
not
so far after all.

what you're really here for is the pictures...i know!
umarmen und lieben
essie
First day of fifth grade

First day of high school...

no. 337 the dream that became a reality

was born seventeen years ago today...

our boy.
seventeen sounds so big-
he is, make no mistake, but
the smile

the smile
will always be part of the face
i saw
staring back at me
those beedy little eyes

at 6:21 pm
on October 5th, 1993.

my son
his momma
us
i told you then
"i waited for you-and-here you are!"

you gazed back at me with those eyes
saying in that moment where love is cemented
that you had waited for me too

i try to remember that frozen moment
when you push me to a limit
i should remember it more than on the day of your birth
and really...
i do

tonight you sit across from me
i watch you
laughing at the cards
loving every minute of our
family
celebration
same beedy eyes full of life, wonder, and fire
same amazing little person

not
so little
but forever amazing...
my dream
my reality
my son.

happy seventeenth birthday
umarmen und lieben
momma