the worst of it

yesterday my daughter said
"get off the phone, daddy says miss jessica is calling you"

one minute i was christmas shopping
the next
i was literally sitting down
listening to my darling friend
tell me the worst of it

listening to jess
find the strength to finish
what i asked her to start when i emailed her 10 days ago
worrying only about pneumonia
not cancer

out loud
no censoring real life
on my blog
my diary
mine

my mother has cancer
stage 4 cancer
in the pleural lining of her lung

this isn't cancer you can operate on-really
though i've found a specialist in boston that i want to talk to
just because
just because i've been away
6,000 miles away and doctors haven't been talking to me
i need my questions answered
first hand
to ensure that where we go next HELPS HER

she begins chemo at the hospital today, and, continues chemo in our hometown hospital when she gets back early next week

she's absoluely gobsmacked by this-we all are-cancer from out of thin air?!
who says that is alright?

i'm mad
i'm scared
i'm hopeful
i'm prayerful
i'm ready to meet this head on with her
but really-when are we ever ready to hear the worst of it
and not feel slightly, ever so slightly
shattered

heart of my heart-
heart of her heart
i carry you