too fast

i can't believe it's been eight years since colin called and told me to call
you

it's been too fast.
and you're right, with your boy turning 20
and mine
turning 21
it was far too soon to lose
alex
and impossible to ever believe that our children would one day
be older than her

how?

the words i have
i have said every year
i carry your heart
because so far away
it is the strongest, most powerful and immediate way
to show you that
i will always be your dear friend
and i will always be
for you
for gab
for alex

and for our children.

i will always
always
carry your heart.

love
e

march 1

at a crossroad

the month formerly known as January

what is it about a new year that
sets
you
up

for excitement
for heartache

for all things unwritten...empty spaces on the calendar
waiting to be filled

so far...this new year..has been filled with more downs than ups
loss instead of light
people whose pain outweighed any of the good that each day tried to provide

my sister in law
my husband
my girlfriend from high school
lost people who were part of the fabric of their lives...

team leader lost two people in a matter of days this week

leading me to say
(yelling if i could)

gone is gone-people love you-STOP before you can't

small things have been upsetting me lately
large moments make everything frightening and too real

and thankful that in spite of the days that tear at my soul
i am surrounded by people who i couldn't live without

i am rapidly becoming a grumpy old woman
:o(

seventyfour

love you mom
happy birthday!!

gleefie

it's christmas time

i love you mom
sending christmas wishes to you
up above

nonie

14

from may 9th on
we've anticipated many firsts without mom

this day

was benzilla's first birthday without her

yesterday

his big brother found a sim card with photos from 5 years ago
full of
gaia
an early birthday gift
a christmas present she meant to leave us
a small blessing for a boy
who loved his grandmother with
every ounce of his huge heart

today he is fourteen
and all the years behind us have been
too fast
too consuming
yet full of love
family
friendship
faith

14...sweet baby ben...
our cherry on top
our icing on the cake
the place at the table i knew all those years ago
he would fill

you have filled up every day of the 13 years behind you son
filled our home
filled our hearts
filled us all up to the brim
as your gaia would lovingly say

may every day of this fourteenth year be
magic

happy birthday kiddo
i love you
momma

John Waite

when i was in high school a british singer had his career launched when one of his songs hit the top 40 in america..."missing you" became an instant hit and  teenagers everywhere cried into their beers when it came on the radio

i haven't had any real idea about how anything would feel since gaia died

somedays i'm fine
others i'm not

one thing that team leader and i both agree on
every day
we think about her
every single day

yesterday i started to put up our christmas tress
a real labor of love this year because if i'm counting right...
we have 4
maybe even 5 and i'm trying to make it seem like it's no biggie, but apparently i have an issue with ornaments...who knew?!

my mom did.

so i woke up ready to get at least a good half of the job done, so that by tonight, i would be exhausted but our house would be in the holiday stage of prepared that makes every day feel like a wonderful snow globe magic kind of day

and then my heart snapped

for some reason i was going back and forth from the one gnome tree (yes...we have a gnome tree) to the computer, to the kitchen, to the laundry room, to the computer, to the basement, to the computer, to the tree and then cycling all over again

apple tv wasn't working right and all the holiday movies i had wanted to watch weren't available, surfing came on and i got mad...NOT tree upping television and these trees don't go up by themselves although i do all the work by my self...sobbing
i stopped moving

WHAAATT

who was that crazy person

team leader and doodlebug got off the couch and grabbed me and i cried
i cried because i am missing my mom
she was everyone else's gaia and boy was she a seriously difficult mom to me
but she was mine
and decorating our trees was one of the few things that we did together
and this year putting any tree up, i'm realizing, is something that i'm doing alone

death is a strange partner to life
when you're gone you don't know the immediate tug on the heart of any one person you've left
and for those of us still firmly planted in living, we don't know what we miss until we know

people try to tell folks how to feel and what is right and who loves them and who is there so no one person is ever alone and that faith will make things better

i believe that and i've said as much, but yesterday was the band-aid tearing itself off my heart
at least i know that i do miss her-so much that i literally couldn't function-and getting that one gnome tree up was only a labor of love...today is our family tree which i imagine will take hours as she and i enjoyed an ongoing obsession with glass ornaments and shared sentimentality over all things glitter

glitter
ornaments
christmas movies
lights-COLORED LIGHTS
missing you...mommy...

gleefie

Homecoming

20 years ago on October 5th
we shared a homecoming

every year i remember the look on your face
when you moved
your hands up
scrunched up
your face in wonder
and then you found me

and we were
home

this year i spent your birthday
chaperoning homecoming at work
a totally different
homecoming

and in the middle of it all
a moment where i got to say
"i love you"
"happy birthday"
and
then a little later a shared memory of
cupcakes at practice

and you
my first born
you were on my mind from the moment i woke up
until the minute my head hit the pillow
and at 1820
i said a little prayer for us
for safe homecomings
and happy birthdays

i love you
always and forever
around the island of sodor
to infinity and beyond

momma

one year

it has been
366 days since you dropped your brother off at school

it has been
373 days since we heard little's soft footsteps coming down the hall into our room
something is wrong with wee
then calling biggers to confirm our greatest fear

it has been
hard
listening to our children grieve
a lost friend
a lost reunion
a lost companion
a lost love

all this time
lost
but not
gone
never gone

you will remain 17 in our mind's eye
and alive in our hearts

we remember you bryan
with love

a dozen

12 years ago the united states changed
we lost our innocence
we lost our security
we lost loved ones
and strangers

the horizon of our country changed on september 11 2001

every year i remember
the younger brother of my friend jonah
the senior border who shared her room with me and showed me what my future as a Garrison Girl could look like
and all those people
in new york
in washington
in pennsylvania

and i remember my smartie "Q"
who will celebrate his birthday today
today is blows out
a dozen
candles

umarmen und lieben

getting closer to the end of the list

What is your favorite part of your body and why?

first i have to ask...what is up with this question!
random.

so on the list of strange things to know about your mom:
i like my ankles and my wrists
i have no idea why...
they are tiny
perhaps a little on the dainty side
but between the 4 of them
them have held me up
kept me going
supported me through sunshine and rain

so there you have it
ankles and wrists

umarmen und lieben
momma

got nuthin

sometimes
i am stuck between shaking my head laughing
and wanting to scream my flippen head
off.

you really are THAT frustrating

popular isn't always popular

 What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?

you could say 
sex.
the world has the notion of sex wrong

you could say 
love.
the world has the notion of love wrong

you could say
marriage.
the world really does have the notion of marriage wrong-love is love, sex is sex, and
marriage should be for everyone

but on a much more personal level
body image = perfection...
that IS wrong.

30 years ago
i got the idea in my head that a perfect me
was
a pin thin me

that notion
and sense that
being thin meant
my curly hair was beautiful
my long legs were beautiful
my awkward around boys because i didn't have long blond hair that feathered back or 
boobs when the other girls had them...
being thin meant everyone would notice me
and maybe for a minute 
i would feel like i "fit in"

i was 24 and newly pregnant
when i realized how much i was hurting 
me
myself
my body
with years of
starving and puking.
harsh and ugly
not beautiful 
not strong
just 
sad

the funny thing about eating disorders is that they don't go away
they stick around like an invisible layer of dirt...which really sucks...

nothing is perfect kids,
we are all flawed
some of us gently flawed-others or us-more significantly flawed
finding a way to let the real you show
and stop allowing whatever it is that we watch on tv
or hear in a song or see in a magazine
change
us
that is real power
that is real community
that is real 
SELF image

i love you
i love you
i love you

momma

back to 30.

If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

i have no idea.
really-
i don't know who i would eat with
in part because i take the invitation to break bread
VERY seriously

meals are personal
they are moments within a family, a partnership, single life
where time and thought have gone into the decision to 
nourish
others-the one you love-you

maybe i'm taking it too seriously
but dinner is the time that our family has used to
come together
even if we are screaming through each bite
its 
us
in our seats
looking to where 
mcgregor sits

maybe i would ask 

grandpa (arthur) and grammie (dorothy) 
grammie scotland and grandpa scotland
aunt jean and uncle sam
aunt anna
uncle jim
grandpa don and baldy...

to eat with us
they were important people-historically important people-for many important and irrelevant 
reasons
and eating with them would be something else!
that i can guarantee

my important people are part of history's past...while i'm sure that there are others who might be interesting enough
in conversation and companionship
nothing can change what it means to know the generations of your family

bringing me full circle...meals are about family.
do something amazing with your life and be the historically relevant person who sits at your OWN table...i know you can

loving you forever,
momma

tricky.

What’s your favorite and least favorite thing about parenthood?

my favorite thing about parenthood.
contributing something g.o.o.d. to the world...
the three of you are perfect in my eyes
even when you aren't
and long after i'm gone
maybe just maybe
the three of you will have made
similar contributions to the world

my least favorite thing about parenthood.
i worry
i never stop worrying
i feel like i'm 100 years old
and i look it too
because 
i worry about you three kids
so much
that just sucks.

i love you
always
momma

interrupting these 30 things for just a brief sec or two

i sleep when i know that all my littles are safe and sound
i sleep best when i know that all my littles are under the same roof
last night was
bittersweet
and a night not meant for sleep...

biggers is gone today
back to the states
where his choice
his future
his destiny
wait

and this time we've had with him
is very probably the last that we will know as
ours

no one dictating a schedule
the amount of time we share
the season of our family visit

big big big changes are happening for my family
my babies are growing up
wee-her college visits are 7 weeks away-and then it's mailed applications and we wait
cherry on top-he's happy to go along with the ride-for now

in my head i hear the voice of my friend
"show them it's alright to go...remember the others will be watching"
and i know that while i might not get my hands on all 3 of them
exactly
in the moment that i want
they are and will always be mine...his...ours
and that makes the bittersweet, sweet somehow

every hello
every goodbye
this is the beginning of his future
i couldn't be any more proud of him if i tried

love you forever
love you for always
my littles
my heart

momma

are you KIDDING?!!

What’s your favorite holiday and why?

goooooood grief.
where to start, where to start, where to start!

first off...i personally believe that birthdays are holidays
AND
if i ever get to rule to world
on your birthday you get a free day of leave from work
that is my forever proclamation!

okay in all seriousness
i think my favorite holiday is
St. Patrick's Day

this is 100% because of Savannah Georgia
where my grown-up story began
AND
due to the largest celebration in the South for
St. Patrick
SCHOOL IS CANCELLED

really.
no school on St Paddy's day and i love it!

i also love my leprechaun
"Coughlin McSmiley"
he is my leprechaun
he has followed me around the united states and into europe
he is naughty
he is funny
he has a wicked sense of humor
(including knocking me out in 1997 and leaving me on the floor of my kindergarten classroom
only in induce utter panic in my kinders and prompting me to send a letter home to parents
explaining that i really was a-okay)
he is generous
he is s.m.a.r.t.
he is poetic...in a tiny green person kind of way

and

he always makes me anxious and ready for a fabulous spring

i love all our holidays and the "not-holidays" that we created when daddy was away from us
but most of all
i love you

momma

Where is my magic 8 ball when i need it?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

In college, i had a professor who had our class write a letter 5 years into the future. we were told to write to ourselves with the goals, wishes, hopes, and dreams that we expected to meet/find/enjoy...
in typical rose colored glasses fashion, i wrote my letter and gave it to my teacher, imagine my surprise when
five years later
a letter arrived at the farm, written by me, addressed to me

5 years from now i will be 50 years old
biggers...you will have finished your original commitment to the Navy and might still be in...or back in school 
wee...you will have either just graduated from college with a year of work under your belt...or you will be working to finish up a combined degree with a bachelors and a masters degree
cherry on top...you will have just graduated high school...on your way to 4 more years with soccer every day or playing for a huge city team in germany

in 5 years i will be 50 years old
i expect to be happy with my work choices
happy with your achievements
happy with daddy

10 years from now i will be 55 years old
i hope to be doing what is right for kids every day and still loving it
happy with your achievements
happy with daddy

15 years from now i will be 60 years old
i hope to have mentored others into educationally exciting places
i hope to have supported your goals, wishes, hopes and dreams
i hope to be as great a grandma and mother-in-law as Gaia was to you three and to daddy
happy with your achievements
happy with daddy

and VERY close to retirement!
:o)
momma

dreading dreading dreading

in the movie "julie/julia" (one of my alltime fav's b/c of my baking obsession) there is a scene where julie is preparing for the annual lunch with old friends
her only comment
"dreading dreading dreading"
which is sort of how i feel about this post

describe your relationship with your parents

it wasn't nor will it continue to be easy

i remember the early early days of the original three
i don't remember how hard it was for gaia
to be a working mom
to be independent
and feel dependent
i was little and waaay back then i felt very safe

a growing family is never the fault of each child as they come into the family
but for some reason i was so aware of things never being the same
that i took out my confusion on
your uncle

i've always felt that i should have had an older brother
being the oldest isn't everything it is cracked up to be
but it was the short stick i drew in my life lottery
that
and being the only girl since auntie tante was born

the recipe for the perfect storm

grandpadad has taught me everything i know
about cleaning a house
about caring for special things
about treating people the way i wanted to be treated
about loving someone with your whole heart no matter how it hurts

gaia taught me other things
about becoming a teacher
about being fiercely independent in a world where strong women aren't always taken seriously
about being a fighter
about surviving

but there were things i learned that hurt me
hurt relationships within our family
confused me
and confused relationships within our family
i'm still trying to sort it all out
and i don't want to be disrespectful in any way-i know this will take more than a blog post to explain

it is so important to me that you all understand and respect that you are individuals
and no one way
of living a life is the perfect way to be

life is messy, and hard, and fun, and exciting
you will upset me and inspire me
as you live YOUR OWN life
i don't need to live vicariously through anything you do-i just want you to be happy with yourself
and
the decisions and paths that you take

so my relationship with my parents has given me two different opportunities to become my own decision maker and the master of my own destiny
i know that some choices i made hurt them, and made them feel like they were being punished, which was never my intention...

when you are young, you do think you know everything, and that you are invincible
trust me...you aren't...so be deliberate
and one day when you are telling your children what your relationship with me was all about
tell them it was deliberate
that i wanted every possible thing that being your mommy would bring to my life-good and bad
because being your mommy has meant everything to me and will always be my greatest joy

i love you