John Waite

when i was in high school a british singer had his career launched when one of his songs hit the top 40 in america..."missing you" became an instant hit and  teenagers everywhere cried into their beers when it came on the radio

i haven't had any real idea about how anything would feel since gaia died

somedays i'm fine
others i'm not

one thing that team leader and i both agree on
every day
we think about her
every single day

yesterday i started to put up our christmas tress
a real labor of love this year because if i'm counting right...
we have 4
maybe even 5 and i'm trying to make it seem like it's no biggie, but apparently i have an issue with ornaments...who knew?!

my mom did.

so i woke up ready to get at least a good half of the job done, so that by tonight, i would be exhausted but our house would be in the holiday stage of prepared that makes every day feel like a wonderful snow globe magic kind of day

and then my heart snapped

for some reason i was going back and forth from the one gnome tree (yes...we have a gnome tree) to the computer, to the kitchen, to the laundry room, to the computer, to the basement, to the computer, to the tree and then cycling all over again

apple tv wasn't working right and all the holiday movies i had wanted to watch weren't available, surfing came on and i got mad...NOT tree upping television and these trees don't go up by themselves although i do all the work by my self...sobbing
i stopped moving

WHAAATT

who was that crazy person

team leader and doodlebug got off the couch and grabbed me and i cried
i cried because i am missing my mom
she was everyone else's gaia and boy was she a seriously difficult mom to me
but she was mine
and decorating our trees was one of the few things that we did together
and this year putting any tree up, i'm realizing, is something that i'm doing alone

death is a strange partner to life
when you're gone you don't know the immediate tug on the heart of any one person you've left
and for those of us still firmly planted in living, we don't know what we miss until we know

people try to tell folks how to feel and what is right and who loves them and who is there so no one person is ever alone and that faith will make things better

i believe that and i've said as much, but yesterday was the band-aid tearing itself off my heart
at least i know that i do miss her-so much that i literally couldn't function-and getting that one gnome tree up was only a labor of love...today is our family tree which i imagine will take hours as she and i enjoyed an ongoing obsession with glass ornaments and shared sentimentality over all things glitter

glitter
ornaments
christmas movies
lights-COLORED LIGHTS
missing you...mommy...

gleefie