no 349 "resolutions vs. REALLY cool list"

* credit where credit is due...i'm cyber stealing my dear friend Christy's idea, with love and hugs to her for being so brilliant! *

sitting in our little apartment

no pictures to share from a birthday, hannukah, christmas eve, christmas day, dinner, puppy-love, or new years eve as they were just accidentally erased
(yup...that really did just happen...seriously, every photo on my camera-g.o.n.e.)
i'm thinking that G-d, in his infinite wisdom somehow KNEW i needed to begin this year with
a
clean
slate

filling up on delicious racclette
drinking waaay too much apple-pomegranate juice
relishing a phone call
reflecting on 2010
and wondering
just what will happen
in 2011

i went for a blog walk
started looking at my favorite places to lurk
where friends i know and friends i'll never actually meet
go
to share the labors and loves of their own lives.

and in the middle rests this:
no more resolutions, just REALLY cool lists-
lists of the things that make life
happy
exciting
maybe a little scary as we venture outside a comfort zone
full.

really full.
so here is MY contribution to what casa h might need in order to be really cool
(in no particular order, but because i AM a teacher, i'm counting down from 10 to 1)

10. get our puppy to walk DOWN the stairs before he is over 25 pounds and I can't carry him forever.

9. teach my children the importance of handwritten communication over texting or email

8. go to a cooking class somewhere exotic

7. become the hot wifey to a US SF retiree!!!!

6. play more music in our house-all kinds

5. read a book alongside each of our three littles so we can actually DISCUSS what's happening as we read

4. move off the bunny slope...in more ways than even I know

3. dance with my husband on a beach

2. (this is a real 2-fer) take a stab at relearning my HS French AND improving my get out of jail German

1. go to craptastic ohio

live in the NOW, by doing all of these things and then, make another really cool list!

Guten Rutsch (mit umarmen und lieben)
Willkommen 2011

essie

no 348 we interrupt this blog

for a fun giveaway that is located right over here!

*e* go look and try to win!
xoxox

no 347 wake up...I'm 11!!!

the sound of excitement at 530 in the morning

my little boy

not quite so little anymore
not quite so big
that buckets of toys, books, and movies there to
celebrate
HIM
aren't the icing on his birthday cake!

they were...
and for the record...
having that nugget of little still in my life-
that's the icing on mine!

i love you ben ben-
happy 11th birthday!!!!!!!!!!!
momma

(photos to follow-my c drive is full and i need to move some old photos to make room for the new ones!)

the worst of it

yesterday my daughter said
"get off the phone, daddy says miss jessica is calling you"

one minute i was christmas shopping
the next
i was literally sitting down
listening to my darling friend
tell me the worst of it

listening to jess
find the strength to finish
what i asked her to start when i emailed her 10 days ago
worrying only about pneumonia
not cancer

out loud
no censoring real life
on my blog
my diary
mine

my mother has cancer
stage 4 cancer
in the pleural lining of her lung

this isn't cancer you can operate on-really
though i've found a specialist in boston that i want to talk to
just because
just because i've been away
6,000 miles away and doctors haven't been talking to me
i need my questions answered
first hand
to ensure that where we go next HELPS HER

she begins chemo at the hospital today, and, continues chemo in our hometown hospital when she gets back early next week

she's absoluely gobsmacked by this-we all are-cancer from out of thin air?!
who says that is alright?

i'm mad
i'm scared
i'm hopeful
i'm prayerful
i'm ready to meet this head on with her
but really-when are we ever ready to hear the worst of it
and not feel slightly, ever so slightly
shattered

heart of my heart-
heart of her heart
i carry you

gaia

they call us the sandwich generation
the ones who have their children
and
their parents
we love
we laugh
we live
caring for them all
caring for them because that's what families do

until

someone else has to provide the care
the care
that could be the
difference between
life and death

and then, in the moment when, care rests on the shoulder's of another
you realize that
you aren't alone
you were never alone
you won't face the future alone

my sweet mother is facing the battle of her life right now
i'm six thousand miles away
trusting with all my heart
and soul
in the team that has been placed in charge of her care

i know she will survive this
possibly war-torn in places before this fight is won-
but alive
which is what matters most

she needs to know what, where, and WHY
before she can really begin this fight-that is her-
i need to know that she believes she will be healed-that is me-

together we are mother and daughter
heart of my heart
heart of her heart
our own sandwich

when i was little we used to make a family sandwich:
mom and dad were the bread, i was the filling...
our own sandwich

no wonder.

i LOVE you mommy
you WILL be healed
YOU will fight this and
W.I.N.
gleefie

no. 346 OR the third of Oreo's final bill

oof.

as if the last post wasn't emotional enough
gaia has landed her overworked self in the
hospital

her very own hell on earth,
as a manner of speaking-is the hospital
and
she's there...
for a while it appears
thanks to a horrifying case of
pneumonia
which collapsed one lung, pushing the other lung,
literally
into tomorrow
and in the process crushing her trachea.

too close a call for me-for all of us actually
and
now because we add insult to injury
her trip to germany for christmas is indefinitely postponed...the place where she gets to rest and relax, is too far for her to travel.
boo
hiss
wipe away the tears and pull up the bootstraps
all so she can GET BETTER
and find her way back to us.

jessica and traci...you will NEVER know how much your getting to her, meant to
me.

how much you 2 mean to
me.

i've said it probably 25 times since thursday night when grandpadad made the call:
"i choose to believe we ARE a lucky family"
a very lucky family-
tonight i count my blessings once again, and ask that happy thoughts continue to be sent my precious momma's way.

umarmen und lieben
dassie

no. 345 OR the deposit on oreo's vet bill to date

so it stands to reason
just
when you think everything is under control
when you think you are the captian of your ship
when you think you are the master of your destiny
that somewhere
something
someone
someplace...
it will all go tits up.

here i was chugging down a cider, convinced my only problem was
the growing carb tire-quickly making itself at home around my abdomen.
simple stuff people
until
oreo got sick

not just "MOOOOOOOOOOOOM the dog's puking" sick
but really really "holy shit" sick
the kind of sick that makes a mom like me
not sooo dainty
actually full on spazzing
and terrified

with thanks to our German groomer, and one of our "extra harrisons" who speaks perfect German
we got oreo, in the moment where i thought his life was ending before us, to
a 24 hour clinic.
he's been there since wednesday night and continues to surprise everyone with his
fiesty little shih tzu attitude
however, we really need him to respond to the meds he is on-physically respond-go to the bathroom on his own...
he needs to pull that rabbit out of his hat by monday
we can't maintain a dog on a catheter forever...
the actual cost of this canine emergency is staggering and at a point
the financial hemmorage needs to be contained.

saying it out loud made me physically sick last night
and by the grace of true love, the people who know me best,
absolved me of this heartwrenching guilt.

loving them as i do, a thousand times i would take the stinging pain
of horrible decision making
away-
thanking them, i realize, isn't enough...
knowing we always have the benefit of living our lives together-that will do.
certainly it will and for that i thank the powers that brought us to each other

so seeing him this afternoon, perfect in everyway but one, made the reality of this weekend all too clear.
our little, high maintenence, dramatic, outfit loving doggie needs a
hannukah miracle
so, if it isn't too much to ask-when you have a second, give it to oreo and then share it with G-d

umarmen und lieben
e

no. 344 up early

late night always mean an early up.

junior shortbus...he's been up for an hour
which means...I'VE been up for an hour
really, how much sniffing and toy chewing can a puppy do?!!
at least he's taking my mind off the events from this week, and what might lie ahead

someone please tell the weekend to get here NOW

"yes, it's okay, they are the same thing"

e-i can't begin to tell you what that meant last night
and how perceptive IS that mr. tony

fixing will happen after i pay off the vet.

sending all my love to a craptastic town in ohio.
every little last bit!
e

no. 343 heartfelt thanks

i cannot begin to describe everything i'm thankful for-
my heart knows what my head can't always find the words for
which
is often times good enough for me.

lately though
life has been
hard
really
really
quite difficult and very
very unpleasant
and now with the heels of a lovely restorative holiday behind me
back come the words, so, here goes:

"a hard fall" can mean more than one thing...
this fall, down i went-
what went with me, my confidence and my ability to trust

my thanks this year came
(naturally)
in the form of the man who took me on 18 years ago without looking back
him
and the family we've carved from our life together;
my three baby owls, whatever in the world would i be without you?

the friend who knows me sometimes better than i know myself
taking seconds to share common words of hope
in spite of insane "kotel living" (remember mr. ben and the "kotels!") for 4 months that would make any reasonable person certifiable after 4 days!
those single moments that become our life line phone calls...we really should have paid better attention to how good we had it back on miranda drive...
ah well
until mr. nestle gets his act together-seconds, moments, phone calls will do!

a little boy who keeps his car seat in my car
safely defining where he fits in my heart
and his beautiful momma (to be) a daddy who came home to them-
what joy awaits around yonder bend for this little family

cows.
the dairy.
a dedicated and devoted family we found by accident
bringing me "round aboot" to pieces of myself...
chance becomes great, good, fortune
and
friendship for life.

heartfelt thanks indeed
for love, friendship, guidance, perspective, kindness, more love and family.
always family.

i love you tony
e

no. 342 new baby love

sweet little nose
all scrunched up
sweet little wiggly body
all stretched out
baby breath
baby smell

join the five of us (and one VERY ticked off Oreo)
in welcoming

Junior H



who joined our brood 8 weeks ago when pres and i walked in to walk his momma and da'
only to find that he and eight other little boxers had been born moments before!

he snores when he sleeps
and
he likes to sleep next to one of us OR
the enormous soft teddy bear which came off dollie-doo's bed to create a family feel for him.

another creature in 900 square feet-
i must be mad!

until the day they cart me away-
umarmen und lieben
e

no.342 ready for the holidays

and we'll be putting up the tree this weekend!
in the nick of time
after Thanksgiving
before Hannukah
all happening
really ready, or, not?

pictures of the mayhem to follow

umarmen und lieben
e

no. 341 so...

what do you want us to bring you back from
IRELAND?

thanksgiving redefined:
5 harrisons
+
3 mcganns
for 3 days
=
whoa big BIG fun!

we will get there a few days ahead...blarney stones to kiss and all
when you can't go home for the holidays
you make the most of the holidays.

we
are trying!

umarmen und lieben
essie

HBBB to tante!!!

no. 340 huh?!

when did it become november?
and more importantly
when
did it become the 14th of november?!!

good grief this year has zoomed by.

first weekend where we got to sleep until 7am on saturday...kind of interesting how those 2 extra hours of sleep can make a day
thaaaaaat
much better.

wishing tho
-this beautiful fall morning 6000 miles away-
that i were close enough to give my tante
the
huggle buggle bunny burger
that carries her out of the hospital
and
back into her home.
wishing...

i love you tante
essie

R.I.P. Halloween Momma

we had a great run, Halloween and i-
if i had known on those exhausting early evening walks that there would be a day when i didn't go with you
i would have never complained...
not once.
i would have spent more time laughing
and taking photos
and maybe even dressing up a little myself

*sigh*

Halloween was always about the three of you
and the costumes you had to have
and the love i sewed into every stitch.

when you morphed into the three who had other costume ideas
i stepped back and let you
tell me
show me
and ultimately fall behind as you ran from house to house

prestie, if lukie was there that was all that mattered, friendship came before candy
doodle bug, you were the one with the most stamina, you could walk for blocks
mr. ben, the excitement was in the costume, not in the treats-you were always done within 15 minutes.

we took photos in front of houses with virginia leaves falling
we took photos of mouths tasting chocolate for the very first time
we took photos along a white picket fence with friends that were family-the mommas always amazed by the changes in you from year to halloween year

and at the end of the night i'd fall asleep so tired i couldn't feel my toenails
thankful that i had 365 days of respite
after last night (our "designated trick or treat night" here on post)
i came to the conclusion, with a gulp in my throat and a teeny tiny tear from an eye, that seventeen years is a pretty good run


last night after an amazing day of football where you ran in an 80 yard touchdown, you went BY YOURSELF
waving me away when your friends met you at the field, but thinking enough about the momma in the car to yell without turning "LOVE YA mom"



you two
-oh my goodness-
a day of heartfelt volleyball, where a season ended with many more lessons learned than skills (yes lovebug, you really ARE THAT good, don't doubt it) and a brother who made every home game to cheer you and the school you share on

you both raced home to get ready for a birthday party-
at a hotel-
no trick or treating
best friends sharing moments that will be the memories you cherish
you came into the livingroom and i saw this


and suddenly it was me, team leader, and the dog.
we were meant to go to a halloween party-i made
"cured epidermis with bone marrow slices"
(prosciutto ham baked to a crisp with slices of melon)
and
"devils on broomsticks"
(dates stuffed with asiago cheese, wrapped in bacon, baked to a crisp)
when the internet died
and we lost
EVERY PIECE OF PARTY INFO
that we had
and
while we were all dressed up
suddenly
we had no place to go

so that was the final trick i suppose
halloween got one over on me at last
here's MY treat
i will always have the memories

HAPPY HALLOWEEN YA'LL

umarmen und lieben
e

no. 338 seriously due for an update

in the weeks of this
busy
busy
fall
i've gone full throttle away from summer
into
fallish working madness

i've sadly neglected this blog.
for which i am greatly sorry
because as much as i love updating posts for each of you
i've so loved doing it for me-
just looking back on our life
makes all the days of it that we spend
so far away from each of you
not
so far after all.

what you're really here for is the pictures...i know!
umarmen und lieben
essie
First day of fifth grade

First day of high school...

no. 337 the dream that became a reality

was born seventeen years ago today...

our boy.
seventeen sounds so big-
he is, make no mistake, but
the smile

the smile
will always be part of the face
i saw
staring back at me
those beedy little eyes

at 6:21 pm
on October 5th, 1993.

my son
his momma
us
i told you then
"i waited for you-and-here you are!"

you gazed back at me with those eyes
saying in that moment where love is cemented
that you had waited for me too

i try to remember that frozen moment
when you push me to a limit
i should remember it more than on the day of your birth
and really...
i do

tonight you sit across from me
i watch you
laughing at the cards
loving every minute of our
family
celebration
same beedy eyes full of life, wonder, and fire
same amazing little person

not
so little
but forever amazing...
my dream
my reality
my son.

happy seventeenth birthday
umarmen und lieben
momma

another year

happy birthday to my little Smartie who has made it to 3rd grade
-Q-
mrs. h couldn't be more proud of you...

out of the ashes, rises, the reborn phoenix

never forget
look for peace
cherish the love you have
remember who you are and
why that matters

every day we try to give you a better world
we will never forget

no. 335

i feel better-
i think...

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

no. 334 the greener grass

*warning, this post won't make any sense-at all-i need to vent...*

what is it about wanting to make things easy
that turns
every day life into something so stinkin' hard?

there is
never enough sleep
never enough money
never enough time
never enough
to keep people calm, healthy, satisfied, secure, relaxed...
normal

WHY
do people feel the need to muddy water?
because they do-there are some who just aren't happy unless they've shown you
just how nasty they are prepared to be
(feel free to substitute selfish, mean, sarcastic, self-centered, snarky, angry, consumed, lost, needy...jealous for nasty)
what is up with that?

i was washing my face yesterday and realized
i am going to be 43 on my next birthday...FOURTY THREE
my skin should be "thick" enough,
my "duck-ish dander" should be slippery enough
this unfair and unneccessary bleech should have rolled off my back...
instead it's festered.
I have let someone else dump their ugly into my life and now i can't get rid of it...it has really pushed a button i didn't know i still had
by now, at my age, should i have learned that for some the grass isn't always greener?
if so, how do i go back and erase this?
do i confront it, or, do i simply release it?

ugh. seriously.
this is a hard time for many people right now-
be it the economy
a growing family
children and transitions
work
lack of work
illness
insanity
i get that, but nice does matter-
i believe that
wherever our (collective) grass is and whatever it's color
the greener grass = nice in my book...not nasty.

and now, rereading this, i choose to release this ick.
your issues are not my problem-
i can't apologize anymore

you think you know me, and you really don't, because if you did you would see that greener grass for me, is rooted and nurtured anywhere my loved ones are and my loved ones are everywhere...sometimes everywhere is hard to reach

so, in light of that
i can choose to wish you well and hope that your life settles down enough for you to see that you aren't alone, people do care about you, and your greener grass might be directly under your feet...take a step forward.

no. 333 one thousand ninety six days ago

i posted this

it dawned on me while we were on this leave, that in returning to germany we would, begin our fourth year living overseas...still
away
from all of you
away
from the day in...day out
away
from the fast trips to meet up for coffee and laughs

away.

not getting anywhere NEAR what we wanted to on this trip
was hardest on me this go around
make no mistake, the festivities of the wedding, and family/extended family fun in virginia and florida were the absolute best-
my regrets however are twofold:
that we just couldn't get to everyone
and
that more of you haven't come to see just how wide our world is-
(albeit 900square feet in government housing is nowhere as glamourous as it was back in julia child's day!)

our world remains wide
our world remains big...
i'm not any less scared by what the future holds
as i stare down the reality of our house getting smaller when college comes knocking, but
i've learned these thousand days later that i can make our home anywhere the five of us
are.

what i didn't know then
i know now
home isn't where the army sends us,
home is us.

year four began this morning.
the past three years have been full of day in...day out
and while google map might say the actual distance, we are only as far away as our hearts feel.
this has, so far, been an adventure i could never have imagined embarking on with anyone-
for the love of teamleader, biggers, wee, and benzilla, i remain eternally grateful, and
look forward to all the many wide, wide days ahead

umarmen und lieben alles
e

no. 332 yankees vs. redsox