dreading dreading dreading

in the movie "julie/julia" (one of my alltime fav's b/c of my baking obsession) there is a scene where julie is preparing for the annual lunch with old friends
her only comment
"dreading dreading dreading"
which is sort of how i feel about this post

describe your relationship with your parents

it wasn't nor will it continue to be easy

i remember the early early days of the original three
i don't remember how hard it was for gaia
to be a working mom
to be independent
and feel dependent
i was little and waaay back then i felt very safe

a growing family is never the fault of each child as they come into the family
but for some reason i was so aware of things never being the same
that i took out my confusion on
your uncle

i've always felt that i should have had an older brother
being the oldest isn't everything it is cracked up to be
but it was the short stick i drew in my life lottery
that
and being the only girl since auntie tante was born

the recipe for the perfect storm

grandpadad has taught me everything i know
about cleaning a house
about caring for special things
about treating people the way i wanted to be treated
about loving someone with your whole heart no matter how it hurts

gaia taught me other things
about becoming a teacher
about being fiercely independent in a world where strong women aren't always taken seriously
about being a fighter
about surviving

but there were things i learned that hurt me
hurt relationships within our family
confused me
and confused relationships within our family
i'm still trying to sort it all out
and i don't want to be disrespectful in any way-i know this will take more than a blog post to explain

it is so important to me that you all understand and respect that you are individuals
and no one way
of living a life is the perfect way to be

life is messy, and hard, and fun, and exciting
you will upset me and inspire me
as you live YOUR OWN life
i don't need to live vicariously through anything you do-i just want you to be happy with yourself
and
the decisions and paths that you take

so my relationship with my parents has given me two different opportunities to become my own decision maker and the master of my own destiny
i know that some choices i made hurt them, and made them feel like they were being punished, which was never my intention...

when you are young, you do think you know everything, and that you are invincible
trust me...you aren't...so be deliberate
and one day when you are telling your children what your relationship with me was all about
tell them it was deliberate
that i wanted every possible thing that being your mommy would bring to my life-good and bad
because being your mommy has meant everything to me and will always be my greatest joy

i love you