interrupting these 30 things for just a brief sec or two

i sleep when i know that all my littles are safe and sound
i sleep best when i know that all my littles are under the same roof
last night was
bittersweet
and a night not meant for sleep...

biggers is gone today
back to the states
where his choice
his future
his destiny
wait

and this time we've had with him
is very probably the last that we will know as
ours

no one dictating a schedule
the amount of time we share
the season of our family visit

big big big changes are happening for my family
my babies are growing up
wee-her college visits are 7 weeks away-and then it's mailed applications and we wait
cherry on top-he's happy to go along with the ride-for now

in my head i hear the voice of my friend
"show them it's alright to go...remember the others will be watching"
and i know that while i might not get my hands on all 3 of them
exactly
in the moment that i want
they are and will always be mine...his...ours
and that makes the bittersweet, sweet somehow

every hello
every goodbye
this is the beginning of his future
i couldn't be any more proud of him if i tried

love you forever
love you for always
my littles
my heart

momma

are you KIDDING?!!

What’s your favorite holiday and why?

goooooood grief.
where to start, where to start, where to start!

first off...i personally believe that birthdays are holidays
AND
if i ever get to rule to world
on your birthday you get a free day of leave from work
that is my forever proclamation!

okay in all seriousness
i think my favorite holiday is
St. Patrick's Day

this is 100% because of Savannah Georgia
where my grown-up story began
AND
due to the largest celebration in the South for
St. Patrick
SCHOOL IS CANCELLED

really.
no school on St Paddy's day and i love it!

i also love my leprechaun
"Coughlin McSmiley"
he is my leprechaun
he has followed me around the united states and into europe
he is naughty
he is funny
he has a wicked sense of humor
(including knocking me out in 1997 and leaving me on the floor of my kindergarten classroom
only in induce utter panic in my kinders and prompting me to send a letter home to parents
explaining that i really was a-okay)
he is generous
he is s.m.a.r.t.
he is poetic...in a tiny green person kind of way

and

he always makes me anxious and ready for a fabulous spring

i love all our holidays and the "not-holidays" that we created when daddy was away from us
but most of all
i love you

momma

Where is my magic 8 ball when i need it?

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

In college, i had a professor who had our class write a letter 5 years into the future. we were told to write to ourselves with the goals, wishes, hopes, and dreams that we expected to meet/find/enjoy...
in typical rose colored glasses fashion, i wrote my letter and gave it to my teacher, imagine my surprise when
five years later
a letter arrived at the farm, written by me, addressed to me

5 years from now i will be 50 years old
biggers...you will have finished your original commitment to the Navy and might still be in...or back in school 
wee...you will have either just graduated from college with a year of work under your belt...or you will be working to finish up a combined degree with a bachelors and a masters degree
cherry on top...you will have just graduated high school...on your way to 4 more years with soccer every day or playing for a huge city team in germany

in 5 years i will be 50 years old
i expect to be happy with my work choices
happy with your achievements
happy with daddy

10 years from now i will be 55 years old
i hope to be doing what is right for kids every day and still loving it
happy with your achievements
happy with daddy

15 years from now i will be 60 years old
i hope to have mentored others into educationally exciting places
i hope to have supported your goals, wishes, hopes and dreams
i hope to be as great a grandma and mother-in-law as Gaia was to you three and to daddy
happy with your achievements
happy with daddy

and VERY close to retirement!
:o)
momma

dreading dreading dreading

in the movie "julie/julia" (one of my alltime fav's b/c of my baking obsession) there is a scene where julie is preparing for the annual lunch with old friends
her only comment
"dreading dreading dreading"
which is sort of how i feel about this post

describe your relationship with your parents

it wasn't nor will it continue to be easy

i remember the early early days of the original three
i don't remember how hard it was for gaia
to be a working mom
to be independent
and feel dependent
i was little and waaay back then i felt very safe

a growing family is never the fault of each child as they come into the family
but for some reason i was so aware of things never being the same
that i took out my confusion on
your uncle

i've always felt that i should have had an older brother
being the oldest isn't everything it is cracked up to be
but it was the short stick i drew in my life lottery
that
and being the only girl since auntie tante was born

the recipe for the perfect storm

grandpadad has taught me everything i know
about cleaning a house
about caring for special things
about treating people the way i wanted to be treated
about loving someone with your whole heart no matter how it hurts

gaia taught me other things
about becoming a teacher
about being fiercely independent in a world where strong women aren't always taken seriously
about being a fighter
about surviving

but there were things i learned that hurt me
hurt relationships within our family
confused me
and confused relationships within our family
i'm still trying to sort it all out
and i don't want to be disrespectful in any way-i know this will take more than a blog post to explain

it is so important to me that you all understand and respect that you are individuals
and no one way
of living a life is the perfect way to be

life is messy, and hard, and fun, and exciting
you will upset me and inspire me
as you live YOUR OWN life
i don't need to live vicariously through anything you do-i just want you to be happy with yourself
and
the decisions and paths that you take

so my relationship with my parents has given me two different opportunities to become my own decision maker and the master of my own destiny
i know that some choices i made hurt them, and made them feel like they were being punished, which was never my intention...

when you are young, you do think you know everything, and that you are invincible
trust me...you aren't...so be deliberate
and one day when you are telling your children what your relationship with me was all about
tell them it was deliberate
that i wanted every possible thing that being your mommy would bring to my life-good and bad
because being your mommy has meant everything to me and will always be my greatest joy

i love you

i think anything you remember is significant

Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood

my childhood was something else...
i was raised in alaska
and many weekend were spent driving into the bush
so grandpadad could do his work

gaia and grandpadad were a lot like gypsies in a funny way...they went where they were called to go
and we went with them

so 3 significiant memories start here:

1. hiding from gaia in the plant nursery right before Angus was born
i remember running down the lanes of plants
i remember wearing my favorite red sneakers with a red hat that had big white polka dots
i remember thinking i was VERY tricky and that maybe i was in trouble for hiding
but i didn't care
and i remember when grandpadad found me 
he made me laugh and took my picture
gaia was not amused!

that was an "original three" memory and it was a really really good day

2. i remember playing mountain goat with angus on the back of our couch in my 2nd favorite house  of all time (drake drive) and knocking angus out cold
it probably wasn't a good game idea to pretend we were mountain goats and charge each other
no one ducked
we hit full force and angus ended up out cold and on his back
i got in really big trouble for that one but i wasn't even 5 and he wanted to play

it got worse when he got another black eye...that is another memory

3. i remember when Dunc came home from the hospital
i wanted everything to be perfect and insisted on the outfits that angus and i wore
reitta ( our version of a nanny but was really an extra grandma/mom to us) she helped me put my favorite scarf on my head that uncle abe and aunt lou had given me
(i think i was a closeted boheimian, now that i really think about it...such style for a 6 year old) and angus had on his best plaid pants

it was a really big day and we had really missed gaia

there are so many more...i may have to do a partII to this post!
xoxox
momma