complaint department

done.
angry
pissed
exhausted
tired of working day in day out, everywhere i turn,
to hear
"you might tell the wrong information"
or
"I DEMAND blah blah blah"
or
"you are a psycho" (as if i wasn't feeling crappy enough???)

never a "thank you"
or a
"what do you need?"
or anything else that might help me take the edge off

nothing.

every time i turn around
someone else telling me how pissed THEY are
and that i need to "fix it"
OR
fix myself.

i swear
some days are
SO
bad
that they just string themselves into the biggest flipping bundle of
tangled christmas lights
that all is left is
throwing away the lights
or
throwing in the towel.

being me is a ridiculously thankless and tedious chore...

Missing Fairfax County teen Bryan Glenn found dead - DC Breaking Local News Weather Sports FOX 5 WTTG

Missing Fairfax County teen Bryan Glenn found dead - DC Breaking Local News Weather Sports FOX 5 WTTG

no one will understand why i'm posting this
here
but for the record
for the moments our children and our family
shared with bryan
for the record
by posting the end of his beautiful life
we will always have opportunity to bear
witness

and never forget

our children are , as i've thought before, on loan...
G-d gives us the most precious gift
life
and in the midst of inexplicable horror and grief
i have to believe that G-d in taking bryan back
brought him home
one final time

you were and will be remembered as a beautiful, loving, funny, charming, delightful, smart, and wonderful child bryan-
here with us now and forever in our hearts

re-reading some of my posts...
i'm pretty convinced that this year has been
manic.

oh my geez.

nineteen

i already told him that the last time i didn't spend my entire day thinking about the greatness of my boy was in 1992...
october 5, 1993
my entire world changed
undoubtedly for the better
and every year i'll tell him
how he made me
into
me
and every year i'll tell him
how he made the world a better place
by being
him
every year
for
ever.

happy birthday biggers
you are my joy
(even when i find out that you
sneaky you
have another
tattoo!)
busted on your birthday!

i love you always-
to infinity and beyond
all around the island of sodor
always!
momma

ridiculously fed up

would it be considered bad parenting to wave a white flag and say
"Screw it."
you've won...
you think you know
everything
there is to know in the world
and
that the people you choose
really are
the best choice for you and
your future?

would it be considered bad parenting to wave a white flag and say
"Screw it."
you've won...
you are ready to take on the world
and you don't need
a
momma in your corner
anymore
you're grown
go for it
live your life and
i'll see you when i see you.

what in the world is going on right now?!!
i'm exhausted
furious
sad
completely let down
and wondering if it was all a big facade
as i've been so pointedly informed by you two
our family wasn't a family after all.

what the heck.

achy breaky heart

and now that is stuck in your head too!

just remember that you had fair warning before you started reading...
the boy
biggers
a month gone by
and suddenly he is on the west coast
really
the point where his
vision quest
started and now stops

when did this all happen
where was i when he was growing
up?

and the girl, wee...
sixteen came on like a raging bull
a speeding bullet train
faster than a hummingbird's wing
16

littlest
well littlest hasn't done anything except grow 6 total inches
this summer
that and sleep
his good humor bridging all the moments that aren't so lovely
when you are heaped into massive
change

*sigh*
exhausting this parenting thing is
and
terribly achy breaky
i'm almost so spent from missing days in the life
that i don't have the energy to cry

and what i need is
a really
great
cry

umarmen und lieben
essie

they call it pomp and circumstance for a reason

done.

beaming from ear to ear
Biggers took
the 30 steps
with
the 30 words
across a stage in a city 6000 miles away from the woods
right into his future!

i can't say that i have a single recollection of the words he chose to walk with
as he started moving my heart and my head focused on every step
footprints into my mind that i will
never forget
and with all the ceremony
the room was silent as i watched
and cried
and held my breath
and squeezed Team Leader's hand as
hard as he was squeezing mine

30 steps...easy
30 words...breezy
30 seconds...done

the world IS wide
and you have it in the palm of your hand
son
heart of mine
i hope you know how proud of you i am
and what a huge accomplishment this is-
like i said this week:
go now and make every new moment matter
just as much
as the ones you will carry in you heart
forever.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
i love you
momma

one step at a time

in 4 hours the transition begins

baccalaureate-downtown-in the oldest church of this beautiful city
the beginning of
pomp and circumstance

and my heart-all his friends here-they take the next few days to
make every day from the beginning to now
matter.

Congratulations Biggers
Hugs to you and the Class of 2012!!!

unarmen und lieben
Momma

20 memorial days

twenty with team leader...
20 times to thank G-d for his mercy
and my husband's life
20 times to thank G-d for his grace
and my husband's friends
20 times to thank G-d for his intervention
and my husband's trips back home
to me
to us
20 times a day, not just one day a year,
but
every day of our life
to thank G-d
for him.

tonight, as i have every year,
i thank G-d
and every soldier who says
yes
when someone else can't

umarmen und lieben
essie

countdown begins

and we're here.
staring at the blank face of the end of high school (that's me)
staring at the blank canvas of the beginning of life school (that's him)

deer in the headlights...perhaps.

this past week the european soccer championships were hardcore underway
SO many unbelievable lessons learned
heartache
disappointment
and unremarkable joy as we watched our children display true athleticism and humanity, sportsmanship and
humility

too many photos to post
but some of the favorites...right here on my blogger and
always in my heart

umarmen und lieben

essie

taking a selfish moment

in the quiet house
to let my heart break just a little
today
so that maybe
just maybe in a few weeks time...
when i watch him
walk across the stage and
into
the next wonderful chapter of the life
that
made me
HIS
mother...
i won't make an utter
spectacle of myself.

i'm planning his graduation party
and i still can't figure out
where
all these days of our lives
have gone.


heart of my heart, aching a little bit today, trying to avoid the
snap.

PAH
"love you forever-
like you for always-
as long as i'm living
my baby, you'll be"
xoxoxoxoxox
momma

HHS Senior Junior Prom 2012

like a sparkle of sun peeking through a cloud

like the lingering moments of a rainbow

suddenly the year is frighteningly close to being

over.

these kiddos have made my heart sing, 

as their 

REAL 

momma

and for some as

the momma of their heart

it was a beautiful night.

knowing that SOMEHOW 

i have to pick myself up 

and

dust myself off come next month

THIS photo takes front and center on my desk as 

the gentle reminder that our life here has been 

very  very blessed!

umarmen und lieben

(more photos to follow)

essie

hugs love and thanks!

"little miss" has been
happily
living at home in the country
for 5 days now!

happy happy days for our family
xoxoxoxox to all
essie

prayers to bring her home

in a blink
life changes...Evie made it 15 minutes from the house before an Apnea hit.
the next 20+ minutes were a blurry design of
parental fear
lights
ambulances passing on a country road to transfer
a now 7 pound miracle from one to the other

doctors and nurses in our community hospital
trying and trying to find a PIT line point

less air
and then her brave daddy started to sing
our family lullaby
Byne Bye,,,,Byne Bye,,,, stars shining

and she calmed down

45 minutes of lullaby
before she took a helicopter ride back
with a nurse who knows her like her
parents do

back.

in His infinite wisdom, G-d got her outside
for the first time today
and then
back to the hospital
i am grateful for the tender mercy
He showed our family and my beautiful
little niece tonight

and
if it's not too much to ask
make the next 10 days
easy ones for her
and the parents who are desperate to
have her home

please.

william shakespeare...gotta hand it to you!

"...and though she be but little, she is fierce."

welcome home, with all our love, sweet darling niece
Evie Bee aka "Lucky Bee"

YAYAYAYAYAYYAYYYYYYY!!!!

april showers bring may flowers...right?

everyone reading knows that birthdays are among my favorite things
birthdays for OTHER people that is-
my birthday
usually hits smack dab in the middle of some natural disaster OR standardized testing week.

not the best name, Esther, for a close to Easter baby...
that was 3rd grade and the year the all the boys in my class
(a few girls too)
renamed me "Easter Egg Esther"

lovely

this birthday hasn't begun any differently...waaay too much drama
when all i really wanted was
one day
reading magazines in the sun
giving kids money to spend on overpriced food
maybe
just maybe
a little sunburnt by the time to go home.

instead
I'm a slave to my computer...
rewriting a decade old handbook

"good times" she yells from the stands
i can always hope for next year, right?

6 more and then the dogs are the winners

last year, the hunt for the money egg lasted over 5 hours.
OBurtonH was wrecked searching our tiny apartment with Biggers, Wee, and BenBen
no egg here
no egg there
until finally
Biggers found the egg
well after OBurtonH went home

it was a very funny morning

this year we weren't let down
although Biggers, understanding that a message HAD to be part of the Easter Bunny's plan,
took his searching prowess to a higher level.

(see he IS college material!!)

motivated
he kept looking until
22 minutes into Easter Morning
the money egg was his.

 "BS" says BenBen...and...with that the announcement
"I can't wait till next year when you aren't here!"
even Biggers had to laugh

Wee...she sat and watched, as the hunt for Gold hasn't been her lucky point
and
seeing her brothers
competing
(climbing over furniture, washing dishes to check the dishwasher, feeding the dogs to check the dog food...you can picture this now, can't you?!!)
is more than enough money egg for her

next year...Biggers will be in the states
teaching his cousin
Lucky Bee
how to find the dough...

boy am I hoping that my brother and his wife have their $$ saved!

Good Pesach and Happy Easter to everyone we love-
the sun is rising on a beautiful day!
umarmen und lieben,
essie

what is it?

April Fools Day naturally!

so.
outdoor soccer season is in full force
so are tree allergies
and
bad attitudes

what is it about thinking that something is YOURS if you haven't
EARNED
it?

puzzles me...
competition aside, when I was in high school
(a zillion years ago, i realize)
we-student athletes-knew what the requirements were for participating
you had to make a 2.5 GPA
period
we didn't get
"a day off to make sure we had grades" prior to playing that weekend
we had the grades
simple concept...
what are we doing for our kiddos
by
doing everything for them?
i wonder...what is it?

essie

the weight of a heart

there isn't a way to measure the weight of another person's heart
particularly when you know
just how close
their heart is to breaking

so we stop

we hold the hands of the people
we love
and
we carry their hearts
to help lighten their
load

life is hard sometimes
and bearing that unexpected and unforeseen
weight
isn't easy-isn't fun-isn't what we thought we'd ever have to
do
but
because we
love
we carry the heart

gabby...
*e*...
we can't bring Alex back
but we can always remember when she was able to
be.
and then we come together and carry one another
our hearts
in-out-never alone
together.

i love you both more than words can say-
you are amazingly good people
something that carries my heart-everyday.

xoxoxoxooxoxo
essie

bumble bee buzzing all around

my little bumblebee

three months old on monday

a miracle

this little light 

she has been the saving grace for us all

a miracle

november 27

one pound eight ounces

february 27 

four pounds eight ounces

OUR miracle

umarmen und lieben

aunt essie