no. 233 out of sight

walking into the shoppette just now
a song
was playing that made me stop.
for a minute i was singing along
but my head was somewhere else
thinking of my life
as it was
in another place
and
in another time...

short version-

i know that life passes us by.
i know that while we are gone
we are
out of sight.

and i know that often
out of sight
does mean
out of mind

even to the closest of friends
even to the most important people
even to the family you thought you could never be without.

i know.
i understand.
i get the big picture.

but the big picture isn't the immediate picture
particularly for our children
who are dealing with the heavy reality of saying goodbye.
saying goodbye because it is PCS season in our world

that's the unavoidable time when soliders and their families leave for new duty posts...a Permanent Change of Station.
but really, to military kids and their friends, who know better-
nothing is permanent
and this is just a move
to a new place
far away
from the life you work so hard to create for yourself
in spite of where the military sends you.

in a perfect situation
our children would have:
lived in one community
gone to a single elementary school
experienced preteen angst and upset in one middle school
captured four years of high school
lived in one community.

but they haven't
and they won't
and for every hard goodbye
i pray for a soft hello.

it's as simple and as complicated as that.
we miss you all

kisses and wishes
hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben
e

no. 232

(#$%$(%U(#((#*%**!!!!

now i feel better

no. 231 or the one where she turns 13

that "she" is my little girl
"she" is 13 today.

i think i'm in shock-
seriously.
seriously in shock.
it can't be that 13 years and 9 months of my life with her have already passed.
it just can't be...


i remember everything about being pregnant with her...it was the worst pregnancy...
ever.
i wasn't cute or bubbly
i wasn't gracious
i was enormous
and had the morning sickness of a thousand people
she turned my body upside-down and SIDEWAYS
she messed with me that badly!
i became diabetic
i went on bed rest
i was enormous-did i mention that?!
i was impatient
i was grumpy
i was enormous

i was convinced this baby was
a girl-
our daughter to be.
my mom was the only other person who agreed...even my doctor thought it was a boy
i knew better
she was already giving me the headaches...in utero no less!
heh
just kidding
i knew better though, i did.
from the beginning i knew that she would be the
only
one.
just doodlebug
no other daughters claiming
flesh of my flesh
daughters of my heart-later, much much later
but dollie
she was born and the mold was broken-
one of a kind.

these are the years where mothers and daughters struggle
where the temptation to spread wings is dashed by the primitive need to protect
where voices carry over one another
where tears are mighty
and
where tears are few

i love her with everything that i am
i love her with everything that i have
i love her with everything
i love her.

she is my daughter
she is my gift to the world
she is the world's gift
to me.

kisses and wishes
hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben
on your 13th birthday and every day
Dorothy Laura Grace

xoxox
momma

no. 230 more doodle love!

no pics yet-
sorry.
i know that's REALLY why my 2 loyal readers come here...for the fabbo photo ops.
again sorry.

they are coming-promise.

doodle bug love continues
as she was chosen as
MVP
for the softball tournament!!!
(her team came in 3rd overall, and considering that she didn't know you were allowed to steal bases when she played her first game EVER in April, is a pretty sweet deal!)
oh my stars!
that super duper girlie-o of ours...
she is on a roll
and she deserves the accolades!

side bar:
back to school tomorrow for the training before summer school starts.
bleech
HOW did i end up on THIS train?!
seriously...
trying VERY hard to wrap myself around the positive as i drive friends to the airport for their summer in the states.
we
are
staying
here.
no trips over for us.
*sigh*

thinking about rainbows and ponies right now
rainbows and ponies...
kisses and wishes,
hope and virtue,
umarmen und lieben
e

no. 229 give me a "D" give me an "O"

give me an "L"
give me another "L"
give me an "I"
give me an "E"

what's that spell?!!
we have the most wonderful daughter ever.
that's what it spells!

so my camera, my sweet little 2.0 mega pixels camera finally bit the dust...
natch, it happened when our friends were here, on their honeymoon, i was deathly ill for the SECOND time this school year, and my camera said
"no mas, mommy"
"no mas"
it meant no photos of the family all together
no photos of the lovebirds in our house
no sneak up yelling
GOTCHA!
photos
nothing...until i got the news that our girl had been selected to join the
National Junior Honor Society!

GOOOOOOOO Dollie!!

so off i went, to get a new camera, which (after being purchased and a fast tutorial thanks to Javonne)took beautiful photos of our schatzie looking seriously older than the soon to be 13 year old that she is.

(serious run-on, i know, sorry!)

directly after the induction, she went flying off to the pre-championship softball game she was in. she got there at 5pm, we were on that field until 9:30, it was crazy long, and we were all WHOA tired
BUT
her team won!
now, she-we will be up to our eyeballs this weekend in a softball championship.
fingers crossed the weather will hold, and we'll be able to perfect our farmer's tans as we watch and root...

as soon as i can figure out how to get the camera uploading photos, i promise to update :0)

before i go BIGGEST BIRTHDAY shout out to our number one nephew Jacob...who has a birthday surprise on "pre-order" set to ship out on 22 June...a month late honey bear, but full of all the love an auntie, uncle, and cousins could ever pack into a gift! we love you so very much, are so proud of you, and wish you the biggest and the best for this birthday year!!!


kisses and wishes
hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben
e

no. 228 what a moment of silence means

in our house, well, it's loosely defined.

often by the comings and goings
of teenagers and children,
of company,
of friends,
of family,
of single soldiers stationed here-far far away from home
for whom we carve out a special place
where quiet is quite infrequent
but more often than not the noise is a welcome happy sound.
we create the clatter of this life to keep the rest of the world out.

until we can't
and then the moments disrupt our noise and silence consumes the sounds of life-

a by-line in the army paper, alerting us to the reality of
this life
and how in a moment of explosive violence
this life
is changed forever

a movie that sells out at our PX and in two hours creates a silence by taking your breath away
this life
and how so selflessly these soldiers give all
this life
is changed forever

a place where people prepare, support, and sustain loved ones by providing for the future
this life
and how never forgetting the love, honor, duty, and devotion
this life
is changed forever

WHAT do you do, in that moment of silence, WHAT?

giving thanks is so much more than the dollar you spent on that yellow ribbon magnet you've put on your car
giving thanks is so much more than the poppy you took from the VFW volunteer outside the grocery store today

it is more-more than an outward sign
it is more-more than a day off work
it is more.

my blog
my sermon
my challenge.
coming out of the silence on this post today
is yours.

stop being quiet
take your moments-
your silent moments-
and talk
to your children
to your family
to your neighbors
ABOUT
memorial day.

DO something.
don't make these moments of silence
moments that are easy to come by and easy to let go-
these moments SHOULD make you stop.

each moment signifies the exact second
that someone gave all
so that you didn't have to
and did so because
in the committment ceremony,
in their moment,
they said they would.

what does a moment of silence mean?

in memorium on this day
with respect and profound meaning for your lives
from this army family to all the others
our moment of silence begins now...

no.227 to be or not to be-THAT is the question

with all love and respect to our pet, re-reading the entries from this year
i realize just how maudlin this blog has become.
there has been a LOT of upset this year-physical, emotional, academic
you name it
but anyway you do, it's upset.

so i've gotten to thinking:
do i stop?
?
do i?
do i end this chapter of life and communique'
or
do i accept what life has thrown in my direction and simply be.
hmmm

i was telling a friend last night that i thought i needed to lighten it up, that i wasn't even sharing our life here in germany anymore, that my blogging had become more of a catharthic uber sharing of me in my 40's than the original trip
the trip that took us from virginia
to carolina
all the way to germany

uber mind sharing over exciting life travels and adventure-
certainly not the direction i planned on taking when i started talking to my laptop
hmmm

there is a spargel fest in schweitzingen today...
spargel=asparagus
we live in the asparagus capital of germany
a little ditty i should have mentioned when we got here-just getting to it now.
maybe i'll walk over and take a look, take some snaps, post something light and witty.

simply be.
hmmm

kisses and wishes
hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben

no. 226 Vahlhalla

and with the phone call from the woods
Vahlhalla opened its doors
and
the pack
was restored

rest in peace Ozzy...you were a jedi

(l. to r. Rebel 1987-2006, Ranger 1996-2006, Ozzy, Yofi 1997-2007)

no. 225 the interlude

as the titanic sank, the band kept playing
convinced the ship was invincible, ridiculously optimistic, the music continued-
until it stopped.

i have read and reread my last post-it's practically been my screen saver-it's time for me to face the music.

so, basically, mr. ben needed a break.

moving here was hardest on him, something we all knew
it's hard enough to be a grown-up making big decisions
it's harder still when you're a little guy and you don't get too much say so in the process.

the woods in virginia have been all he's known-
and all we want-
he wanted home
he needed home
so
we let him go

just for a while
to rejuvenate
to relax
to reconnect with the place and people he misses with his whole heart.
i realize a week later that my upset was perhaps my reaction to not making this piece of the world
home enough

home enough
to bridge the distance
to carry over the love
to complete the puzzle with a found missing piece
to play the music of our life with more than cautious optimisim

outside the music is loud and strong-busy and hectic
inside the music has quietened
the music is soft, low, wistful
we miss our little guy, but, with every day of this unbelievable family trip the music in his voice is vibrant and clear

no caution there
music that is playing and playing and playing
in the woods of his home

the interlude
this trip
the break in all the music
he is alright
we are alright, missing him-
missing him so
but he'll be back in june

and in the meantime
our band will play on

kisses and wishes
hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben
e

no. 224 heart of my heart

it's been a funny year, this one.
not as much in a ha-ha way
but in a
wow.
life is serious way.
and
you're not getting any younger way.
it's been a funny year.

on friday my little went back to the states with his gaia.

he had been writing her this year
writing her and telling her
how much he missed his home.
his home with her-
and my dad-
and my brothers-
and our dogs-
the 70 acres of life in the woods

the heart of his heart

i had NO idea.
and when i found out how sad his beautiful big heart was
part of my heart died.
it didn't even have time to break-
how could I not know.
this is something that will take me ages to understand
that i missed the signs
that i missed making this place into a home for him
that i missed hearing the beating of his little heart...
that i failed him somehow.

what it took to buy the ticket...
i was so shaken up that i literally got into a fender-bender in the parking lot after leaving the travel agents office.

what it took
to meet with his teacher and plan the outline of this family trip...
teaching him how to use the mini laptop
setting up family accounts with the many sites his teacher uses to promote her curriculum

what it took to pack the bag...
where was Boom?
the favorite jammies?
his RedSox hat?

but what it took
when the hardest moment came
because it did come...
he turned to me
after clearing the first round of passport control
he turned
gave me the biggest smile and the most optomistic "thumbs up" his heart could muster

then he turned again and was gone-
gone
as in not here
with me
with his daddy
with his big brother and sister
with his little, little dog
just not here.

he called as soon as he got to the woods
and while it was a heart wrenching call for me,
the sound of his voice
became the beating of my heart.
not dead inside
but alive
happy
restored

home.

the heart of my heart-i'll see you in june
i love you
momma

no. 223 ughhhhh

and with that ridiculous groan...

spring break ends.
*sigh*

counting down to Friday, and our trip to Amsterdam, is that too much too soon?
hmmm

no.222 tiptoe through

the last year and sneak ever so quietly into the next year.

and now, the random thoughts of the girl at 41
as 41 has just happened over here in deutschland regardless of what blogger has to say!

i've been in a bit of a rut...
since november-actually, if i really think about it.
this makes me more than a teeny bit angry.
i enjoyed being 40
i liked saying:
"i am 40."

it was like a badge of honor to make it to 40.

life however, as we all know, just loooves throwing wrenches into even
the very best laid plans.

the moments of happy happy
get pushed into the corners of "did that really happen?"
like when i went to school 2 weeks ago, and the parent of one of my students had savagely beaten him with his own belt and then made him wear it to school as further punishment-
for being a nuisance.
it did happen, and i've run the gamut of emotions since then, back and forth like a pendulum.
what i'm figuring out is that it is sometimes quite hard to allow myself to live in the happy...even though i'm really not sad.
just perpetually pissed.

so, in a true effort to make 41 better than 40, i'm going to take this selfish moment of happy to wish myself
happy birthday
and hope ever so slightly that this year, my wish comes true.

kisses and wishes
hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben
e

no. 221 guest post by gaia

hello from germany!
i have a gaia here, ready to make her entrance into the wonderful world of blogging, she THINKS it's a one time deal...
heh-we'll see!

"dear world"
hang out with teenagers.
if you are feeling despair over the state of the world...hang out with teenagers.
if you can round up a few grandchildren-
do it.
If they propose to bring along a couple of friends, agree immediately.
The thing is, teenagers dont's know what a couple is, in their world it can be anything from five to fifteen.
Say o.K. to them all and then relax and watch and be reassured by the end of the day that there is hope for the world.
yes, they are members of another species, probably from another planet, but one that, given time and encouragement and acceptance, will save the world.

Today I went to a swimming spa near Heidelberg with my grandchildren and a 'couple ' of friends, I lost count at about ten. Anyway, it was terrific.
I won't go into gory details about ending up in the Herren changing room instead of the Damen one, or learning that we hadn't paid for a sauna and therefore needed to put our gear in a locker that was absolutely identical to the one we had erroneously already stowed it.

What is interesting to me is how they KNEW we weren't sauna approved, very strange.

It was a gorgeous day, we could sunbathe outside in between swimming in the outside pool. The kids,predominantly boys, played with a soft water ball. they were noisy and harmless. it interested me that they were checked for behavior several times, while they weren't doing anything different from others, only they were noisier.

NOT AT ALL FAIR.

If adults were pushed around in this way they'd be furious. This was illuminating. All in all, however, this was a wonderful day, with the wonderful company of kids. I give my thanks to them all for a day I'll treasure and they don't even know the gift they were giving, of sweet vitality, and zest for life.
Oh yes, and innocence, kids disguised by nature as young adults,but still kids, bloody marvellous.

...kisses and wishes
...hope and virtue
...umarmen und lieben
e and gaia

no. 220 spring has SPRUNG

can you hear it...
can you...
the teeny tiny voice from
faaar away?

the voice
yup.
it's me!
dancing a little essie happy dance
singing a little essie happy spring song

officially on spring break
with her momma,
and her family,
on break
in europe-
doesn't get better than that!

kisses and wishes
hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben

no. 219 alignment

mars and venus are back.

kisses and wishes
hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben

no.218 mars and venus

so yesterday and this morning were FULL of excitement over the concert-
oh my heavens, i even slept with the confirmation printout on the other side of the bed b/c i simply couldn't believe that i was/we were going...

(still going-no worries there)

then
today
i got home.
home is meant to be a happy place, right?
this school year
-since november actually-
home has been more stressful than peaceful
which pretty much sucks ass
seriously.

we said back in the day that we wanted our house to be open and welcoming, today it was the friday typical...high schoolers, middle schoolers, boylies
and
an exhausted team leader who had driven back from italy.
today.
8 hours
which admittedly is a long drive.
he has been gone for some time
with stomach bugs and sickness, taking over casa h, i've been a big bad worker bee
and i'm a little tired
which he and some friends pointed out today
the friends tip-toed into the convo...
team leader, not so gracious, and very "army-ish" in approach

i'm not going to go into the fight we had, but i am seriously
seriously
like m-fing pissed off at him.

he really doesn't get it sometimes
like a total lost cause
he's this unreal f-ing soldier
but the simple stuff is
UTTERLY lost on him
and this time, i'm breaking the rules and going to bed pissed.

he says i'm too moody up and down
i say he's ignorant to anything that isn't tattooed to his forehead

it is mars and venus in our house tonight and there doesn't appear to be a planet alignment happening before tomorrow.

*(&%(#&(@#$&@#)!~!!!!!!!

no.217 you-too!

24 July 2009

Dublin Ireland

u2 in concert

me...having a TOTAL fit
holy mess
and maybe a bit of a heart attack too-
though i really do think that joking about heart attacks isn't funny-
seriously, i'm so excited i can hardly talk.

for real
hardly talk.

it's a beautiful day kisses and wishes
hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben
essie

no. 216 ohhhhhhh

so here i am watching Oprah and celebrity chefs living with her viewers.

*sigh*

why can't they come to germany and live here (in our oh so lovely subsidized apartment) and help me haul my knuckle-dragging family into a healthier food-lifestyle?!!

i spend A LOT of time worrying that because i work, i am shortchanging my family on the pieces of life that are important.it's my own personal cross to bear, i know it, i own it, and one day i hope very much to get over it!

they all know how much eating at table means to me, and that i do insist we slow our day to a screeching halt to take our places at the table and
BE
the family at Casa H.
which is good.
and i do thank them all for that lovely indulgence
i do!

but summing up the issues of this working momma
worrying is part of my parental inheritance
others may get money
me
it's the worry gene as my eternal gift, as if i didn't have enough on my mind...
seriously!

the food bit really does worry me...
in great part because of my own sad, scary uber control food issues from high school
in great part because of the damage i did to myself because of my food issues
in great part because i didn't STOP the crazy until i became pregnant with Preston-
a pregnancy that probably saved my life
in great part because i have a friend who died, and left her family
-my dearest friends-
to question and hate her illness and wonder if they loved her enough
(WHICH, they did, and still do)
in great part because i know i am borderline diabetic as i tiptoe towards menopause
in great part because my beautiful niece at age 6 was just diagnosed with type 1 diabetes
the food bit does worry me.

i want my children to enjoy food, in a healthy, natural and curious way.
i want to put cookbook collection to good use.
i want to whip up wonderfully easy but deliciously smelling and delightfully tasting dishes that make their little mouths water.
i want food to be a natural, tasty, simple, and nutritious part of who were are as a family...with my own celebrity chef at the helm

not a tired momma who should be cooking right now, instead of blogging, can you say spaghetti tonight anyone?

kisses and wishes,
hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben
essie

no. 215 reign

for erika, and gabby-
for their parents
for their husbands
for their sons
for them-
for Alex.
with all the love we can provide
perhaps, never enough, but always
always
there.
from us, for each of you, we remember her.
e

Only love
Can make it rain
The way the beach is kissed by the sea
Only love
Can make it rain
Like the sweat of lovers
Laying in the fields.

Love, Reign o'er me
Love, Reign o'er me, rain on me

Only love
Can bring the rain
That makes you yearn to the sky
Only love
Can bring the rain
That falls like tears from on high

Love Reign O'er me

On the dry and dusty road
The nights we spend apart alone
I need to get back home to cool cool rain
I can't sleep and I lay and I think
The night is hot and black as ink
Oh God, I need a drink of cool cool rain
~The Who

no.214 or the with a leprechaun named gaia

it's march friends-m.a.r.c.h. 2009

it seems like the holidays just happened
(since i have YET to remove the arificial xmas tree from our living room...i can see where that little nugget hails)

so where has the time gone?
have we been skiing and working and schooling and working and skiing and
wait-
is that the sound of a teeny little laugh in the distance?

could it possibly be the sound of the world's ONLY scottish leprechaun?!!
why yes it could.

Gaia is coming to germany-and not a moment too soon for any of us-
Gaia included!

we cannot WAIT to see her
even if her plane is a red-eye
we cannot WAIT to hug her
even if we have to smash on top of each other to reach
we cannot WAIT to simply
be
with
her.

we cannot.

so grandpadad...if by chance you read this...
please
work on getting healthy enough to fly.
because we miss you too,
and know that if ever there was a scottish leprechaun, there was a jewish one too...

kisses and wishes
hope and virute
umarmen und lieben
essie