no. 335

i feel better-
i think...

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!

no. 334 the greener grass

*warning, this post won't make any sense-at all-i need to vent...*

what is it about wanting to make things easy
that turns
every day life into something so stinkin' hard?

there is
never enough sleep
never enough money
never enough time
never enough
to keep people calm, healthy, satisfied, secure, relaxed...
normal

WHY
do people feel the need to muddy water?
because they do-there are some who just aren't happy unless they've shown you
just how nasty they are prepared to be
(feel free to substitute selfish, mean, sarcastic, self-centered, snarky, angry, consumed, lost, needy...jealous for nasty)
what is up with that?

i was washing my face yesterday and realized
i am going to be 43 on my next birthday...FOURTY THREE
my skin should be "thick" enough,
my "duck-ish dander" should be slippery enough
this unfair and unneccessary bleech should have rolled off my back...
instead it's festered.
I have let someone else dump their ugly into my life and now i can't get rid of it...it has really pushed a button i didn't know i still had
by now, at my age, should i have learned that for some the grass isn't always greener?
if so, how do i go back and erase this?
do i confront it, or, do i simply release it?

ugh. seriously.
this is a hard time for many people right now-
be it the economy
a growing family
children and transitions
work
lack of work
illness
insanity
i get that, but nice does matter-
i believe that
wherever our (collective) grass is and whatever it's color
the greener grass = nice in my book...not nasty.

and now, rereading this, i choose to release this ick.
your issues are not my problem-
i can't apologize anymore

you think you know me, and you really don't, because if you did you would see that greener grass for me, is rooted and nurtured anywhere my loved ones are and my loved ones are everywhere...sometimes everywhere is hard to reach

so, in light of that
i can choose to wish you well and hope that your life settles down enough for you to see that you aren't alone, people do care about you, and your greener grass might be directly under your feet...take a step forward.

no. 333 one thousand ninety six days ago

i posted this

it dawned on me while we were on this leave, that in returning to germany we would, begin our fourth year living overseas...still
away
from all of you
away
from the day in...day out
away
from the fast trips to meet up for coffee and laughs

away.

not getting anywhere NEAR what we wanted to on this trip
was hardest on me this go around
make no mistake, the festivities of the wedding, and family/extended family fun in virginia and florida were the absolute best-
my regrets however are twofold:
that we just couldn't get to everyone
and
that more of you haven't come to see just how wide our world is-
(albeit 900square feet in government housing is nowhere as glamourous as it was back in julia child's day!)

our world remains wide
our world remains big...
i'm not any less scared by what the future holds
as i stare down the reality of our house getting smaller when college comes knocking, but
i've learned these thousand days later that i can make our home anywhere the five of us
are.

what i didn't know then
i know now
home isn't where the army sends us,
home is us.

year four began this morning.
the past three years have been full of day in...day out
and while google map might say the actual distance, we are only as far away as our hearts feel.
this has, so far, been an adventure i could never have imagined embarking on with anyone-
for the love of teamleader, biggers, wee, and benzilla, i remain eternally grateful, and
look forward to all the many wide, wide days ahead

umarmen und lieben alles
e

no. 332 yankees vs. redsox