this is the dawning of the age of aquarius

the song that would instantly bridge the gap between me and mom

gaia

8 days after my last post, she passed away.

i still can't really believe that she isn't here with us anymore, because it doesn't feel like she has gone anywhere...i'm waiting for her to come waltzing back into the room as if she were Auntie Mame

for our children she was Auntie Mame and like her, she just slipped into another journey, where the adventure is hers first

completely impossible to replace any void she has left in our hearts
redefining our family takes a whole new meaning and like her
we go on

sleep sweet mommy
gleefie

miracle

just when i thought our family could bear witness to no more sadness and hurt
my father has
"woken up"

from a 15 year rip van winkle of
half here
half there
somewhere
aways from us
yet
with us

he's found his way back
and is sitting in a hospital bed
talking to his firstborn grandchild
heart of my heart
with HIS
grandpadad

as if the last 15 years hadn't happened
sorry to have missed time
but thankful for
another
beautiful
chance

praise be to G-d.
thanks be to G-d...

heart of YOUR heart daddy
i love you
welcome home
dassie

seven

it has been said that one is the lonliest number
but for you
i know
that this week
seven is that number

what i would do to take that empty space and
fill it...

so, like every day, and every year i will continue
to carry your hearts.
i love you e and gab
always.

spin it

the costliest drivers license will provide
time with Biggers
a college visit with Wee
family in 2 states

and a much needed
BRAIN BREAK

counting down to spring!
umarmen und lieben
e

drivers license renewal

coming up this spring...
new age-eek!
new weight-ugh!
new license...in person because my home state of record won't let me renew online.

thank you very very much for the costly-est license EVER.
#can'twin4losing

update version 2.13

welcome 2013!

we had a wonderful short weekend in Hberg with friends and our kiddos to properly ring in the new year
and
say goodbye to the city that held the heart of our little family
longer
than any other...
the Berg closes it's doors to our troops and surrounding services this summer
making this holiday season bittersweet, semi sweet-
and, in the end-just plain sweet

biggers was home for 2 complete weeks
he flew back this morning
making this final sunday of our break bittersweet, semi sweet-
and, as we all quietly walked to the car-just plain sweet

i've spent more time using this blog as a venting place
than as a
happy place
which is how i intended it to be
shiny happy life in casa h
when we opened our doors to live in nc SEVEN years ago
in the last few years there has just been so much upset
and frantic overreaction
hurt, worry, anger, frustration, fear-
i simply can't begin another year that way.

so it goes...
so i go...
back to the beginning.
maybe a new blog title
or a new banner...something that shows us now, not so much of then...

the kiddos came together and got me a new camera this holiday
i was able to save photos that i had forgotten even taking
which means that at some point they will be posted!
the phoenix from the ashes...2013

any suggestions for blog names or banner snaps will be taken into consideration, always with:
umarmen und lieben

complaint department

done.
angry
pissed
exhausted
tired of working day in day out, everywhere i turn,
to hear
"you might tell the wrong information"
or
"I DEMAND blah blah blah"
or
"you are a psycho" (as if i wasn't feeling crappy enough???)

never a "thank you"
or a
"what do you need?"
or anything else that might help me take the edge off

nothing.

every time i turn around
someone else telling me how pissed THEY are
and that i need to "fix it"
OR
fix myself.

i swear
some days are
SO
bad
that they just string themselves into the biggest flipping bundle of
tangled christmas lights
that all is left is
throwing away the lights
or
throwing in the towel.

being me is a ridiculously thankless and tedious chore...

Missing Fairfax County teen Bryan Glenn found dead - DC Breaking Local News Weather Sports FOX 5 WTTG

Missing Fairfax County teen Bryan Glenn found dead - DC Breaking Local News Weather Sports FOX 5 WTTG

no one will understand why i'm posting this
here
but for the record
for the moments our children and our family
shared with bryan
for the record
by posting the end of his beautiful life
we will always have opportunity to bear
witness

and never forget

our children are , as i've thought before, on loan...
G-d gives us the most precious gift
life
and in the midst of inexplicable horror and grief
i have to believe that G-d in taking bryan back
brought him home
one final time

you were and will be remembered as a beautiful, loving, funny, charming, delightful, smart, and wonderful child bryan-
here with us now and forever in our hearts

re-reading some of my posts...
i'm pretty convinced that this year has been
manic.

oh my geez.

nineteen

i already told him that the last time i didn't spend my entire day thinking about the greatness of my boy was in 1992...
october 5, 1993
my entire world changed
undoubtedly for the better
and every year i'll tell him
how he made me
into
me
and every year i'll tell him
how he made the world a better place
by being
him
every year
for
ever.

happy birthday biggers
you are my joy
(even when i find out that you
sneaky you
have another
tattoo!)
busted on your birthday!

i love you always-
to infinity and beyond
all around the island of sodor
always!
momma

ridiculously fed up

would it be considered bad parenting to wave a white flag and say
"Screw it."
you've won...
you think you know
everything
there is to know in the world
and
that the people you choose
really are
the best choice for you and
your future?

would it be considered bad parenting to wave a white flag and say
"Screw it."
you've won...
you are ready to take on the world
and you don't need
a
momma in your corner
anymore
you're grown
go for it
live your life and
i'll see you when i see you.

what in the world is going on right now?!!
i'm exhausted
furious
sad
completely let down
and wondering if it was all a big facade
as i've been so pointedly informed by you two
our family wasn't a family after all.

what the heck.

achy breaky heart

and now that is stuck in your head too!

just remember that you had fair warning before you started reading...
the boy
biggers
a month gone by
and suddenly he is on the west coast
really
the point where his
vision quest
started and now stops

when did this all happen
where was i when he was growing
up?

and the girl, wee...
sixteen came on like a raging bull
a speeding bullet train
faster than a hummingbird's wing
16

littlest
well littlest hasn't done anything except grow 6 total inches
this summer
that and sleep
his good humor bridging all the moments that aren't so lovely
when you are heaped into massive
change

*sigh*
exhausting this parenting thing is
and
terribly achy breaky
i'm almost so spent from missing days in the life
that i don't have the energy to cry

and what i need is
a really
great
cry

umarmen und lieben
essie

they call it pomp and circumstance for a reason

done.

beaming from ear to ear
Biggers took
the 30 steps
with
the 30 words
across a stage in a city 6000 miles away from the woods
right into his future!

i can't say that i have a single recollection of the words he chose to walk with
as he started moving my heart and my head focused on every step
footprints into my mind that i will
never forget
and with all the ceremony
the room was silent as i watched
and cried
and held my breath
and squeezed Team Leader's hand as
hard as he was squeezing mine

30 steps...easy
30 words...breezy
30 seconds...done

the world IS wide
and you have it in the palm of your hand
son
heart of mine
i hope you know how proud of you i am
and what a huge accomplishment this is-
like i said this week:
go now and make every new moment matter
just as much
as the ones you will carry in you heart
forever.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
i love you
momma

one step at a time

in 4 hours the transition begins

baccalaureate-downtown-in the oldest church of this beautiful city
the beginning of
pomp and circumstance

and my heart-all his friends here-they take the next few days to
make every day from the beginning to now
matter.

Congratulations Biggers
Hugs to you and the Class of 2012!!!

unarmen und lieben
Momma

20 memorial days

twenty with team leader...
20 times to thank G-d for his mercy
and my husband's life
20 times to thank G-d for his grace
and my husband's friends
20 times to thank G-d for his intervention
and my husband's trips back home
to me
to us
20 times a day, not just one day a year,
but
every day of our life
to thank G-d
for him.

tonight, as i have every year,
i thank G-d
and every soldier who says
yes
when someone else can't

umarmen und lieben
essie

countdown begins

and we're here.
staring at the blank face of the end of high school (that's me)
staring at the blank canvas of the beginning of life school (that's him)

deer in the headlights...perhaps.

this past week the european soccer championships were hardcore underway
SO many unbelievable lessons learned
heartache
disappointment
and unremarkable joy as we watched our children display true athleticism and humanity, sportsmanship and
humility

too many photos to post
but some of the favorites...right here on my blogger and
always in my heart

umarmen und lieben

essie

taking a selfish moment

in the quiet house
to let my heart break just a little
today
so that maybe
just maybe in a few weeks time...
when i watch him
walk across the stage and
into
the next wonderful chapter of the life
that
made me
HIS
mother...
i won't make an utter
spectacle of myself.

i'm planning his graduation party
and i still can't figure out
where
all these days of our lives
have gone.


heart of my heart, aching a little bit today, trying to avoid the
snap.

PAH
"love you forever-
like you for always-
as long as i'm living
my baby, you'll be"
xoxoxoxoxox
momma

HHS Senior Junior Prom 2012

like a sparkle of sun peeking through a cloud

like the lingering moments of a rainbow

suddenly the year is frighteningly close to being

over.

these kiddos have made my heart sing, 

as their 

REAL 

momma

and for some as

the momma of their heart

it was a beautiful night.

knowing that SOMEHOW 

i have to pick myself up 

and

dust myself off come next month

THIS photo takes front and center on my desk as 

the gentle reminder that our life here has been 

very  very blessed!

umarmen und lieben

(more photos to follow)

essie

hugs love and thanks!

"little miss" has been
happily
living at home in the country
for 5 days now!

happy happy days for our family
xoxoxoxox to all
essie

prayers to bring her home

in a blink
life changes...Evie made it 15 minutes from the house before an Apnea hit.
the next 20+ minutes were a blurry design of
parental fear
lights
ambulances passing on a country road to transfer
a now 7 pound miracle from one to the other

doctors and nurses in our community hospital
trying and trying to find a PIT line point

less air
and then her brave daddy started to sing
our family lullaby
Byne Bye,,,,Byne Bye,,,, stars shining

and she calmed down

45 minutes of lullaby
before she took a helicopter ride back
with a nurse who knows her like her
parents do

back.

in His infinite wisdom, G-d got her outside
for the first time today
and then
back to the hospital
i am grateful for the tender mercy
He showed our family and my beautiful
little niece tonight

and
if it's not too much to ask
make the next 10 days
easy ones for her
and the parents who are desperate to
have her home

please.