speaking to me and i don;t want to forget

this:

I never asked for it to end, but then again, I never asked for it to begin.  For that is the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance.  But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets.  ~Richard Chernov

which completely sums up every day we've lived overseas

and no.

we aren't leaving any time soon

i just want to put this in a place where it won't be forgotten

when you turned 18

our life was on fast forward
everything was about
going, going, going

and then i was back on the farm
and you were here with daddy and doggies

your 18th birthday

the young adult you are
the child you were
eighteen years behind you
a
lifetime ahead of you

our beautiful girl.

you mean everything to me
always have, always will
this year stung without gaia to share
just
how
much
you've
DONE

however.
in her way
and yours
she was with you

18.
i love you more than words
momma

wow

we passed the year mark in may
and then before we knew it...

he was at basic
she was graduating
he was gone on a plane

it happened in a blink-last spring-i think
i have VERY little memory of the daily living part
lots to do
lots to prepare for
lots to clean up
lots
and lots
of packing and mailing

a whirlwind summer in the states
the first without having been called for-
an emergency
a sickness
a death
-the first in four long years where my little family and i could
be

busy bees
worker bees
honey bees
(i finally "got' my name courtesy of my darling niece: HONEY)
we moved her to the states
we left her in the most precious hands and arms we have
our families
he's heading to a place for a tour that has me nervous
but
aware that he is protected, and he has been trained
and our littlest...
yesterday was his
the first day of high school
he owned it
he loved it
he is ready

umarmen und lieben
essie

phoning home

long calls with my brothers
have taken the place of the long-pages long letters
mom would write me

this has been a year of expected and heartbreaking
upheaval
swallowing tears of hurt, loss, anger
not wanting for a single second
to let it out
for the fear of release means hours of pain
that i just don't want to
feel

so i swallow the tears

growing up we were so different
we weren't taught to appreciate how we were different
we were told that we had to love each other
and
to be nice because words would hurt
and last

mom didn't do much to help us mend fences
or
build bridges in our relationships
in fact, she was worried that with her gone
any semblance of a sibling relationship would go with her
frankly, it really was so bad, that i think our aunt and uncle thought the same thing too!

and what we have instead
in reviewing the 11 months and not quite 20 some odd days since she died
is the relationship we never thought possible
and it's not in the letter writing
it is in the phone calls

where we laugh and cry-tears that flow
and aren't denied

our hearts open and broken
we see that all along
brother and sister
it was there-
not so different after all

i love you
i love you both

sis

sofa king

over it.

what it is worth

don't quite know..

too fast

i can't believe it's been eight years since colin called and told me to call
you

it's been too fast.
and you're right, with your boy turning 20
and mine
turning 21
it was far too soon to lose
alex
and impossible to ever believe that our children would one day
be older than her

how?

the words i have
i have said every year
i carry your heart
because so far away
it is the strongest, most powerful and immediate way
to show you that
i will always be your dear friend
and i will always be
for you
for gab
for alex

and for our children.

i will always
always
carry your heart.

love
e

march 1

at a crossroad

the month formerly known as January

what is it about a new year that
sets
you
up

for excitement
for heartache

for all things unwritten...empty spaces on the calendar
waiting to be filled

so far...this new year..has been filled with more downs than ups
loss instead of light
people whose pain outweighed any of the good that each day tried to provide

my sister in law
my husband
my girlfriend from high school
lost people who were part of the fabric of their lives...

team leader lost two people in a matter of days this week

leading me to say
(yelling if i could)

gone is gone-people love you-STOP before you can't

small things have been upsetting me lately
large moments make everything frightening and too real

and thankful that in spite of the days that tear at my soul
i am surrounded by people who i couldn't live without

i am rapidly becoming a grumpy old woman
:o(

seventyfour

love you mom
happy birthday!!

gleefie