a dozen

12 years ago the united states changed
we lost our innocence
we lost our security
we lost loved ones
and strangers

the horizon of our country changed on september 11 2001

every year i remember
the younger brother of my friend jonah
the senior border who shared her room with me and showed me what my future as a Garrison Girl could look like
and all those people
in new york
in washington
in pennsylvania

and i remember my smartie "Q"
who will celebrate his birthday today
today is blows out
a dozen
candles

umarmen und lieben

getting closer to the end of the list

What is your favorite part of your body and why?

first i have to ask...what is up with this question!
random.

so on the list of strange things to know about your mom:
i like my ankles and my wrists
i have no idea why...
they are tiny
perhaps a little on the dainty side
but between the 4 of them
them have held me up
kept me going
supported me through sunshine and rain

so there you have it
ankles and wrists

umarmen und lieben
momma

got nuthin

sometimes
i am stuck between shaking my head laughing
and wanting to scream my flippen head
off.

you really are THAT frustrating

popular isn't always popular

 What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?

you could say 
sex.
the world has the notion of sex wrong

you could say 
love.
the world has the notion of love wrong

you could say
marriage.
the world really does have the notion of marriage wrong-love is love, sex is sex, and
marriage should be for everyone

but on a much more personal level
body image = perfection...
that IS wrong.

30 years ago
i got the idea in my head that a perfect me
was
a pin thin me

that notion
and sense that
being thin meant
my curly hair was beautiful
my long legs were beautiful
my awkward around boys because i didn't have long blond hair that feathered back or 
boobs when the other girls had them...
being thin meant everyone would notice me
and maybe for a minute 
i would feel like i "fit in"

i was 24 and newly pregnant
when i realized how much i was hurting 
me
myself
my body
with years of
starving and puking.
harsh and ugly
not beautiful 
not strong
just 
sad

the funny thing about eating disorders is that they don't go away
they stick around like an invisible layer of dirt...which really sucks...

nothing is perfect kids,
we are all flawed
some of us gently flawed-others or us-more significantly flawed
finding a way to let the real you show
and stop allowing whatever it is that we watch on tv
or hear in a song or see in a magazine
change
us
that is real power
that is real community
that is real 
SELF image

i love you
i love you
i love you

momma