no. 224 heart of my heart

it's been a funny year, this one.
not as much in a ha-ha way
but in a
wow.
life is serious way.
and
you're not getting any younger way.
it's been a funny year.

on friday my little went back to the states with his gaia.

he had been writing her this year
writing her and telling her
how much he missed his home.
his home with her-
and my dad-
and my brothers-
and our dogs-
the 70 acres of life in the woods

the heart of his heart

i had NO idea.
and when i found out how sad his beautiful big heart was
part of my heart died.
it didn't even have time to break-
how could I not know.
this is something that will take me ages to understand
that i missed the signs
that i missed making this place into a home for him
that i missed hearing the beating of his little heart...
that i failed him somehow.

what it took to buy the ticket...
i was so shaken up that i literally got into a fender-bender in the parking lot after leaving the travel agents office.

what it took
to meet with his teacher and plan the outline of this family trip...
teaching him how to use the mini laptop
setting up family accounts with the many sites his teacher uses to promote her curriculum

what it took to pack the bag...
where was Boom?
the favorite jammies?
his RedSox hat?

but what it took
when the hardest moment came
because it did come...
he turned to me
after clearing the first round of passport control
he turned
gave me the biggest smile and the most optomistic "thumbs up" his heart could muster

then he turned again and was gone-
gone
as in not here
with me
with his daddy
with his big brother and sister
with his little, little dog
just not here.

he called as soon as he got to the woods
and while it was a heart wrenching call for me,
the sound of his voice
became the beating of my heart.
not dead inside
but alive
happy
restored

home.

the heart of my heart-i'll see you in june
i love you
momma