no. 224 heart of my heart

it's been a funny year, this one.
not as much in a ha-ha way
but in a
wow.
life is serious way.
and
you're not getting any younger way.
it's been a funny year.

on friday my little went back to the states with his gaia.

he had been writing her this year
writing her and telling her
how much he missed his home.
his home with her-
and my dad-
and my brothers-
and our dogs-
the 70 acres of life in the woods

the heart of his heart

i had NO idea.
and when i found out how sad his beautiful big heart was
part of my heart died.
it didn't even have time to break-
how could I not know.
this is something that will take me ages to understand
that i missed the signs
that i missed making this place into a home for him
that i missed hearing the beating of his little heart...
that i failed him somehow.

what it took to buy the ticket...
i was so shaken up that i literally got into a fender-bender in the parking lot after leaving the travel agents office.

what it took
to meet with his teacher and plan the outline of this family trip...
teaching him how to use the mini laptop
setting up family accounts with the many sites his teacher uses to promote her curriculum

what it took to pack the bag...
where was Boom?
the favorite jammies?
his RedSox hat?

but what it took
when the hardest moment came
because it did come...
he turned to me
after clearing the first round of passport control
he turned
gave me the biggest smile and the most optomistic "thumbs up" his heart could muster

then he turned again and was gone-
gone
as in not here
with me
with his daddy
with his big brother and sister
with his little, little dog
just not here.

he called as soon as he got to the woods
and while it was a heart wrenching call for me,
the sound of his voice
became the beating of my heart.
not dead inside
but alive
happy
restored

home.

the heart of my heart-i'll see you in june
i love you
momma

no. 223 ughhhhh

and with that ridiculous groan...

spring break ends.
*sigh*

counting down to Friday, and our trip to Amsterdam, is that too much too soon?
hmmm

no.222 tiptoe through

the last year and sneak ever so quietly into the next year.

and now, the random thoughts of the girl at 41
as 41 has just happened over here in deutschland regardless of what blogger has to say!

i've been in a bit of a rut...
since november-actually, if i really think about it.
this makes me more than a teeny bit angry.
i enjoyed being 40
i liked saying:
"i am 40."

it was like a badge of honor to make it to 40.

life however, as we all know, just loooves throwing wrenches into even
the very best laid plans.

the moments of happy happy
get pushed into the corners of "did that really happen?"
like when i went to school 2 weeks ago, and the parent of one of my students had savagely beaten him with his own belt and then made him wear it to school as further punishment-
for being a nuisance.
it did happen, and i've run the gamut of emotions since then, back and forth like a pendulum.
what i'm figuring out is that it is sometimes quite hard to allow myself to live in the happy...even though i'm really not sad.
just perpetually pissed.

so, in a true effort to make 41 better than 40, i'm going to take this selfish moment of happy to wish myself
happy birthday
and hope ever so slightly that this year, my wish comes true.

kisses and wishes
hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben
e

no. 221 guest post by gaia

hello from germany!
i have a gaia here, ready to make her entrance into the wonderful world of blogging, she THINKS it's a one time deal...
heh-we'll see!

"dear world"
hang out with teenagers.
if you are feeling despair over the state of the world...hang out with teenagers.
if you can round up a few grandchildren-
do it.
If they propose to bring along a couple of friends, agree immediately.
The thing is, teenagers dont's know what a couple is, in their world it can be anything from five to fifteen.
Say o.K. to them all and then relax and watch and be reassured by the end of the day that there is hope for the world.
yes, they are members of another species, probably from another planet, but one that, given time and encouragement and acceptance, will save the world.

Today I went to a swimming spa near Heidelberg with my grandchildren and a 'couple ' of friends, I lost count at about ten. Anyway, it was terrific.
I won't go into gory details about ending up in the Herren changing room instead of the Damen one, or learning that we hadn't paid for a sauna and therefore needed to put our gear in a locker that was absolutely identical to the one we had erroneously already stowed it.

What is interesting to me is how they KNEW we weren't sauna approved, very strange.

It was a gorgeous day, we could sunbathe outside in between swimming in the outside pool. The kids,predominantly boys, played with a soft water ball. they were noisy and harmless. it interested me that they were checked for behavior several times, while they weren't doing anything different from others, only they were noisier.

NOT AT ALL FAIR.

If adults were pushed around in this way they'd be furious. This was illuminating. All in all, however, this was a wonderful day, with the wonderful company of kids. I give my thanks to them all for a day I'll treasure and they don't even know the gift they were giving, of sweet vitality, and zest for life.
Oh yes, and innocence, kids disguised by nature as young adults,but still kids, bloody marvellous.

...kisses and wishes
...hope and virtue
...umarmen und lieben
e and gaia

no. 220 spring has SPRUNG

can you hear it...
can you...
the teeny tiny voice from
faaar away?

the voice
yup.
it's me!
dancing a little essie happy dance
singing a little essie happy spring song

officially on spring break
with her momma,
and her family,
on break
in europe-
doesn't get better than that!

kisses and wishes
hope and virtue
umarmen und lieben